Turning Point

And then one day, on the way home from work, I talked to God like I used to. I poured my heart out to Him about how I was sorry for failing him in the past, and how I didn’t even know how to ask for what I wanted. So instead of asking him to give me child, I asked him to help me be okay with whatever His will for my life was. I haven’t always sought that, obviously, I have made a lot of mistakes on my own and taken a course He never laid out for me. But I have always believed that he forgave us and that he could bless the mess I have made if, and only if, I surrendered it to him. That was the only way we were going to make it. How then, was I going to reconcile everything I had to do for IVF with just surrendering everything to Him. The answer was clear. All I could do is put one foot in front of the other. Trust the doctors, trust God’s will.

In the medical fertility world all they ever can do is give you a chance. You can get completely overwhelmed with all the statistics if you let yourself. A normal couple has a 20% chance to conceive in any given month. We had less than 5%. For the IUI, we had less than 1%. With IVF you could have 60%. Of course this all depends on your age, your issue, your husband’s issue, and possibly your shoe size. There are tables and charts everywhere that tell you no more than this simple fact - you have a chance it will work, but you also have a chance it won’t. Does it really matter, because in the end, it either works or it doesn’t. So it donned on me that day in the car on my way home from work, that the reason why it would never be 100% is because of God’s will. Medicine and science can only take us so far in the ability to conceive. The creation of life is purely and solely up to God, whether you try to do it in a lab or not. When a life begins it is so beautifully and wonderfully made that only a God like my God can do it. I will go only as far as I can go, but God has to take me the rest of the way. So trying IVF is saying I gave it all I could and it just wasn’t in the cards for us, it isn’t the path God wants for us. I decided either way I was going to have to live my life and be happy for the blessings that I have.