Songs that changed my life during this process.

So I am a big song person. I love to find songs that totally connect to my situation and wear them out playing them over and over. It's a coping mechanism I think. When I started this IVF journey, I made an IVF playlist. This consisted mainly of songs that told me to tough it out. Here was my list:
Perfect by Pink
Dare You to Move by Switchfoot
Dreams by The Cranberries
Blessed by Elton John
Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette
Here I Go Again by Whitesnake
Hold On by Wilson Phillips
In my Place by Coldplay
It's My Life by Bon Jovie
Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovie
Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne
Little Miss by Sugarland
My Wish by Rascal Flatts
Smile by Lyle Lovett (don't listen to this one if you are going through IVF, BAD IDEA)
Let Go by Frou Frou
So Hard by the Dixie Chicks
Sara Smile by Hall and Oates
True Colors by Cyndi Lauper
Stand by Rascal Flatts
Wonder by Natalie Merchant
When you Love Someone by Bryan Adams
I Would Die for That by Kellie Coffey

I know, its a random smorgasbord, but it helped me through. On the days it just felt really tough Stand and Keep Holding on were great. On the days I felt completely alone, Little Miss and Perfect by Pink totally helped me feel stronger. Anyway, so the hardest song to listen to was the one by Kellie Coffey. I had read on other blogs it was the best song about going through IVF so I downloaded it without even listening to it. At this point I think I was driving every morning to the doctors office for ultrasounds of my follicles and at the height of my hormone injections. I got in the car and the song literally came on as I backed out of the garage. Here are the words:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Needless to say, by the time I got a few miles down the road I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight. Definitely was not prepared, but it touched my heart so much that I played it over and over that day. It is a sad song, but it was me...it was exactly me. And somehow it made it better that I was not the only one.

Another song that meant a lot to me is I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts. My husband is a man's man. He only listens to music for the music, and rarely listens to the words. One day we got in his truck to go somewhere, this during all my injections when I felt so sick. When I feel sick I just get really quite and kind of withdraw to myself and so we were driving pretty silently. This song came on, and I listened to the words and thought what a great love song. I didn't expect that Don was listening to the words, but he reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it and held it tight until the song was over. He didn't even have to say anything, but at that moment, I didn't feel so alone in the whole process. He doesn't even know that it meant that much to me, but it did. Here are the words:

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
and you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

This was one of those moments when you know that you are exactly with the person you are supposed to be with. In those quiet moments that you say nothing, but will remember the rest of your life. In that moment, I knew I could do this, that WE could do this.

The Wait...again

So like I have said before, the hardest part of this whole process is the waiting. Little did I know that all those times before when I prayed for patience, God was saying, "You have no idea what you are asking for...." because boy, was he getting ready to teach me. Although I don't feel like all this waiting has really taught me any more patience, it still drives me completely bonkers. After the transfer, I went home and got in bed for three days of bedrest. The first day, me and bed rest were friends, but the second I was not so excited, and the third, I was totally losing it. I had never ached from being in bed before. Stupid thing to complain about at this point, but nonetheless it was trying. Especially when you have to wonder the entire time what the heck was going on inside you. I started to analyze everything...was that something? No, just gas. I nearly had a panic attack when I sneezed on the second day. I would stare for periods of forever at my little picture of our embryos, but didn't dare let myself imagine what they would look like or what we would name them. I was still getting over the soreness of the retrieval and I think I watched about every movie in our local "red box".

I had secretly already stacked up on pregnancy tests, because I just knew I was going to be "that person". I had read that by 5 days after the transfer, all the hcg I had injected would be gone and I could legitimately test. Well, I couldn't wait that long. Staying true to my very impatient self, I tested at day 4. It was completely negative and no matter how long I stared, a line just would not form. "Okay, I told myself, this is a good sign, all the hcg is out of my system...If I get a positive from here on out, I am definitely pregnant.

So I tested that afternoon, the next morning, and every half day up to my blood test. That is a lot of tests!!!!