Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Grateful
I was 10 weeks this past Tuesday, and am counting down every week to we can breathe a little easier after the first trimester.
There really are no words to describe the depth of love that I already feel for this tiny baby growing inside me. You can always imagine how that feels, but never breach the true meaning of love for your own child until you have one of your own. I cry every time I think about it.
Although I have been very tired and nauseous, I love the feeling of being pregnant. That at any time of the day I can think about my little one here with me. Our bond has already started and I can’t imagine how much more I will love it when I can hold it in my arms.
Don and I became very cautious about getting too excited after my first couple of ultrasounds that really didn’t show us much. The first time we saw our baby is a day neither of us will ever forget.
I knew I was far enough along that we should at least see the baby at this ultrasound appointment and my stomach was in knots. I could not even allow myself to be prepared if we did not see it. My heart jumped into my throat as soon as the doctor inserted the probe and there on the screen was our baby. I was really not prepared as he focused in on a little flashing bulb in the center of our baby. It was our babies’ heart! I completely lost control and began to cry, and Don held my hand and cried with me. I looked around the room and everyone was crying! Then we got to hear the little swoosh, swoosh, swoosh of the beats. It was simply amazing.
Amazing that God had created this life, half of me and half of my Don, and it was growing inside of me. It was like an out of body experience. Thoughts that I had dreamed about my entire life, but at the same time seemed so foreign and out of reach. I am so grateful.
There really are no words to describe the depth of love that I already feel for this tiny baby growing inside me. You can always imagine how that feels, but never breach the true meaning of love for your own child until you have one of your own. I cry every time I think about it.
Although I have been very tired and nauseous, I love the feeling of being pregnant. That at any time of the day I can think about my little one here with me. Our bond has already started and I can’t imagine how much more I will love it when I can hold it in my arms.
Don and I became very cautious about getting too excited after my first couple of ultrasounds that really didn’t show us much. The first time we saw our baby is a day neither of us will ever forget.
I knew I was far enough along that we should at least see the baby at this ultrasound appointment and my stomach was in knots. I could not even allow myself to be prepared if we did not see it. My heart jumped into my throat as soon as the doctor inserted the probe and there on the screen was our baby. I was really not prepared as he focused in on a little flashing bulb in the center of our baby. It was our babies’ heart! I completely lost control and began to cry, and Don held my hand and cried with me. I looked around the room and everyone was crying! Then we got to hear the little swoosh, swoosh, swoosh of the beats. It was simply amazing.
Amazing that God had created this life, half of me and half of my Don, and it was growing inside of me. It was like an out of body experience. Thoughts that I had dreamed about my entire life, but at the same time seemed so foreign and out of reach. I am so grateful.
Our First Ultrasounds
Throughout all the surprises, we still did not know if there was one baby or two. Since we had put two embryos back in we were praying for twins, and my beta numbers were high so the doctor thought it was a good possibility. When I went in for the first ultrasound we were hoping to see two little sacs. We barely saw one. And because my doctor is very cautious only called this one a “possible sac”. So I began to worry again. What if they did not take, what if I lost them early. I read about how it was common for women to lose pregnancies this early and not even know that they were ever pregnant. Impossible for us not to know since we literally knew the first day we could. Would these babies just vanish? Again with the waiting….. We went in for the second ultrasound and the sac was twice as big, but there was just one and we couldn’t see the baby at all. One empty sac. I knew in my heart to be glad that the sac was there even if it was just one, but I mourned for the one embryo that was lost.
It is so strange to mourn for a baby that was never meant to be according to God’s hand. But it did exist, if only for a few days, and I had already let myself dream of double cribs and a baby on each knee. Don especially was happy it could be twins so that they he would not be any older when our second child is born. We both took it hard. The doctor reassured us that this was “Nature’s” way of taking care of things. That women were not built to carry more than one child and the risk was much less with a single pregnancy. After mourning for the one we lost, we decided to rejoice in the one we still had.
But I did become a little cynical not seeing a baby on the ultrasound screen yet. An empty sac was all I had so far. I had read posts about seeing the baby and hearing a heart beat as early as this. I started to question if it was real. I think every pregnant woman goes through this insanity though. Now that the excruciatingly painful waiting of IVF was over, the excruciating waiting of pregnancy began. You are told so many things. Just wait until 12 weeks, then your chance of miscarriage goes down and you can tell your family. Just wait until 22 weeks, that way it had a chance of survival if the baby is born early. I guess now that I am mother, I join all the other Moms in countdowns that never really end. After the baby is born I am sure it becomes wait until they are in school, wait until they graduate, wait until they are financially secure… and so it begins.
Even though we had told just about everyone, and even though we had seen the sac on the ultrasound, it really wasn’t real to us just yet.
It is so strange to mourn for a baby that was never meant to be according to God’s hand. But it did exist, if only for a few days, and I had already let myself dream of double cribs and a baby on each knee. Don especially was happy it could be twins so that they he would not be any older when our second child is born. We both took it hard. The doctor reassured us that this was “Nature’s” way of taking care of things. That women were not built to carry more than one child and the risk was much less with a single pregnancy. After mourning for the one we lost, we decided to rejoice in the one we still had.
But I did become a little cynical not seeing a baby on the ultrasound screen yet. An empty sac was all I had so far. I had read posts about seeing the baby and hearing a heart beat as early as this. I started to question if it was real. I think every pregnant woman goes through this insanity though. Now that the excruciatingly painful waiting of IVF was over, the excruciating waiting of pregnancy began. You are told so many things. Just wait until 12 weeks, then your chance of miscarriage goes down and you can tell your family. Just wait until 22 weeks, that way it had a chance of survival if the baby is born early. I guess now that I am mother, I join all the other Moms in countdowns that never really end. After the baby is born I am sure it becomes wait until they are in school, wait until they graduate, wait until they are financially secure… and so it begins.
Even though we had told just about everyone, and even though we had seen the sac on the ultrasound, it really wasn’t real to us just yet.
More Surprises
When we pulled it together we decided the surprise was so much fun we needed to surprise the rest of our family. My whole family thought my appointment was going to be on Wednesday because it was originally supposed to be. I moved it to Tuesday because it was better for me, but we didn’t tell anyone so we could at least have a day to process it all before people started asking. We realized this gave us the opportunity to surprise everyone so we capitalized on it.
We hurried over to my parents house, who were both still at work. We put up a baby banner and brought the balloons. I had also bought two sets of feety pajamas, one pink and one blue that said “I love my Grandma” and “I’m on Grandpa’s team”. We set everything up and waited for Mom to get home. While we waited on her we covertly called our family to ask if they wanted to go out to eat with us. The nerves and the waiting had gotten to us, and we needed to get away and not think about it, we told them. Mom was running late, so I conjured up a reason I could have stopped by her house and called her. She was just down the street.
We got into our places and as soon as she came it we each held up the pajamas and yelled that we were pregnant. The look on her face was priceless, and we all cried a little. She was so surprised and I loved it.
We were going to wait for my Dad, but she called and he was working late. We had to get to the restaurant so she told him to meet her there. When we got to the restaurant the whole family was in the parking lot. They saw the balloons so we went ahead and told everyone. Everyone except Dad.
When we all got into the restaurant, we made a deal with the waiter. He was going to take the balloons to the back and when Dad got there he would bring them out. So everyone waited anxiously for Dad to come in. He came in about ten minutes later and the waiter brought out the pink and blue balloons and handed them to him. He was surprised too and we all cried.
You would think after all the surprises we would have been surprised out, but we still had two very important people to tell. Don’s boys are 18 and 21, and we really had no clue about how they would take the news. We chose not to tell them about IVF after we told them about Don’s surgery and Don’s ex-wife told them it would never be possible for us to conceive. We just thought it would be easier, especially if it did not work.
I was more nervous about how they would take it than Don was. I just thought how upsetting it would be if they really didn’t care or even were upset about it. I hoped that they would look at our child as a true brother or sister and want to be part of their lives. But with teenagers, you never really know.
We invited them over for an early Easter cookout. I thought it would be a good idea to get them Easter baskets and hide something in them. So I went a little overboard and had t-shirts made for them. Justin was the oldest so I got him a plain black shirt with Big Brother written on it. The word “big” was crossed out and “biggest” was wrote above it. Jordan’s shirt had “Little Brother” written on it with the word “Little” crossed out and “Big” wrote above it. Then we got a little white onesie with “Baby Brother? (or Sister, or Both!) “ written in the middle of it. We stuffed the t-shirts in the middle of their Easter baskets. When they got there, I couldn’t wait and we handed them their Easter baskets. They both pulled the t-shirts out at the same time. They read them and sat in silence. They didn’t get it at first. Then Don held up the baby onesie and it took a minute and they both looked at me and then at my stomach. They were actually pleasantly surprised. They asked questions, and thought of names all through dinner. They both want a little sister. It warmed my heart that they seemed happy about it.
We hurried over to my parents house, who were both still at work. We put up a baby banner and brought the balloons. I had also bought two sets of feety pajamas, one pink and one blue that said “I love my Grandma” and “I’m on Grandpa’s team”. We set everything up and waited for Mom to get home. While we waited on her we covertly called our family to ask if they wanted to go out to eat with us. The nerves and the waiting had gotten to us, and we needed to get away and not think about it, we told them. Mom was running late, so I conjured up a reason I could have stopped by her house and called her. She was just down the street.
We got into our places and as soon as she came it we each held up the pajamas and yelled that we were pregnant. The look on her face was priceless, and we all cried a little. She was so surprised and I loved it.
We were going to wait for my Dad, but she called and he was working late. We had to get to the restaurant so she told him to meet her there. When we got to the restaurant the whole family was in the parking lot. They saw the balloons so we went ahead and told everyone. Everyone except Dad.
When we all got into the restaurant, we made a deal with the waiter. He was going to take the balloons to the back and when Dad got there he would bring them out. So everyone waited anxiously for Dad to come in. He came in about ten minutes later and the waiter brought out the pink and blue balloons and handed them to him. He was surprised too and we all cried.
You would think after all the surprises we would have been surprised out, but we still had two very important people to tell. Don’s boys are 18 and 21, and we really had no clue about how they would take the news. We chose not to tell them about IVF after we told them about Don’s surgery and Don’s ex-wife told them it would never be possible for us to conceive. We just thought it would be easier, especially if it did not work.
I was more nervous about how they would take it than Don was. I just thought how upsetting it would be if they really didn’t care or even were upset about it. I hoped that they would look at our child as a true brother or sister and want to be part of their lives. But with teenagers, you never really know.
We invited them over for an early Easter cookout. I thought it would be a good idea to get them Easter baskets and hide something in them. So I went a little overboard and had t-shirts made for them. Justin was the oldest so I got him a plain black shirt with Big Brother written on it. The word “big” was crossed out and “biggest” was wrote above it. Jordan’s shirt had “Little Brother” written on it with the word “Little” crossed out and “Big” wrote above it. Then we got a little white onesie with “Baby Brother? (or Sister, or Both!) “ written in the middle of it. We stuffed the t-shirts in the middle of their Easter baskets. When they got there, I couldn’t wait and we handed them their Easter baskets. They both pulled the t-shirts out at the same time. They read them and sat in silence. They didn’t get it at first. Then Don held up the baby onesie and it took a minute and they both looked at me and then at my stomach. They were actually pleasantly surprised. They asked questions, and thought of names all through dinner. They both want a little sister. It warmed my heart that they seemed happy about it.
Laughed Until We Cried
So for once in my life, my words seemed to have failed me. I have put off writing about it because there are no words great or deep enough to explain it. Along with the lack of words, I think I have been in a glorious shock, almost not believing it is real.
On April 19th, we had our first beta blood test after the transfer of our two embryos, and although I had an intuitive feeling that at least one of the babies was still with me, I was so very anxious. I had broken down and taken pregnancy tests twice a day and had gotten positives, but Don refused to believe it until the doctor said so. So that day I nervously drove to the doctor’s office and gave blood. They said they would call me around lunch time. I took the day off from work because I figured either way, I wouldn’t be useful. Since I felt like I just knew, I had already made big plans for the day anyway. I find it hard to believe that women don’t know they are pregnant. Because I just KNEW it. I wasn’t really having any symptoms to speak of, but I did have a different feeling, almost like I could feel my baby snuggling in.
I had dreamed my whole life, of that moment when I could surprise my husband that I was pregnant. You see it in movies, you hear about it in country songs. After we got married a song by Jason Aldean came out called “Laughed until We Cried”. There is a verse in the song that literally made Don and I both cry when we listened to it, because we had dreamed of that moment not knowing if it would every truly happen. It went something like this:
Just the other night the baby was cryin’
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile
And I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
And my mind went back to a few years ago
When we tried so long
We almost gave up hope
And I remember you
Comin' in and tellin’ me the news
Oh man we were livin’
Goin’ crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried
That is exactly how we both pictured it I think. But with IVF, you are robbed a little of that moment because you are so focused on finding out and testing. I had a little of that left because Don truly would not believe it yet, so after my doctor’s appointment I got busy. Earlier in the week I had optimistically went by Lowe’s and found a miniature workbench and little tools. Don is a carpenter at heart and loves to work with his tools, so I thought it would be neat to be part of the surprise. I had hid it in our hall closet. After I gave blood they told me they would call around 11:00am, so I lied and told Don they wouldn’t call until around 2:00. I had a plan. I went by a few places to pick up some things for my surprise like a banner and balloons and such, and rushed home to start on putting it together. During this whole time it never crossed my mind that they would call with a negative. I knew Don would be out at work all day so I had time, but when I opened the box, it was literally in a thousand pieces. It helped take my mind off waiting so I hurriedly tried to get it together.
I was sitting in the middle of a pile of nuts, bolts, and screws, with pieces of the workbench everywhere when I got the call. I whispered a quick prayer and walked out on the front porch to answer. It was the sweet nurse from the doctor’s office and she was already crying. “Yes!” she screamed as I felt my knees buckle. Although I had felt that I had known, I was not prepared for the shock. I thanked her through my tears and went inside and sat on the floor and cried. I just remember thanking God over and over through my tears. I didn’t have very much time to revel in our victory because I had to get moving on this workbench. Don called to say he was done with work early so I asked him to stall a little. I think he had a hunch I was planning something.
So in the middle of all the chaos, Jordan, my step son walked in the house. He didn’t know I was going to be there, and we hadn’t told Don’s boys about the IVF, so I think we both looked like a deer in headlights. Here I was in the middle of the floor, sweat pouring and poufy eyed, with balloons and stuff everywhere. He asked what all this was for and the first thing that came to my mind was that Easter was that weekend and I was building the workbench for my nephew. Lame, I know but it seemed to stave off any further questioning. So I moved my workbench and balloons into the bedroom. I knew I only had a few minutes until Don was here and I was hoping Jordan would leave so I could really surprise him.
I had another good cry when I dug a target bag out from under the bed that I had hidden there a year and a half ago. After Don’s reversal surgery and when we first started trying, I secretly bought a baby onesie that said “I love my Daddy” on it with a baby rattle. I always thought if I found out I would not be able to keep it from Don so it would be something I could use to surprise him in a clutch. I didn’t know it would be so long and such a hard road to get to before I could use them.
So I finished the workbench (let’s just say there were some extra screws left over) and I tied the balloons on it. I sat a little stuffed animal with the onesie and a card on top of it with a sign that read “Daddy’s Little Helper. We REALLY ARE PREGNANT!” at the bottom. Jordan left so I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Don to get home.
When Don came home, his first words were asking if the doctor’s office had called yet. I lied and told him no. A few minutes later I said, “Oh, come look at what the dog did…” and led him to our bedroom door. He followed quickly behind me and was completely surprised when he saw the little workbench. Tears filled both our eyes because he knew the doctor had called. “We are pregnant!” I screamed like I had dreamed of my entire life, and we both laughed until we cried.
On April 19th, we had our first beta blood test after the transfer of our two embryos, and although I had an intuitive feeling that at least one of the babies was still with me, I was so very anxious. I had broken down and taken pregnancy tests twice a day and had gotten positives, but Don refused to believe it until the doctor said so. So that day I nervously drove to the doctor’s office and gave blood. They said they would call me around lunch time. I took the day off from work because I figured either way, I wouldn’t be useful. Since I felt like I just knew, I had already made big plans for the day anyway. I find it hard to believe that women don’t know they are pregnant. Because I just KNEW it. I wasn’t really having any symptoms to speak of, but I did have a different feeling, almost like I could feel my baby snuggling in.
I had dreamed my whole life, of that moment when I could surprise my husband that I was pregnant. You see it in movies, you hear about it in country songs. After we got married a song by Jason Aldean came out called “Laughed until We Cried”. There is a verse in the song that literally made Don and I both cry when we listened to it, because we had dreamed of that moment not knowing if it would every truly happen. It went something like this:
Just the other night the baby was cryin’
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile
And I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
And my mind went back to a few years ago
When we tried so long
We almost gave up hope
And I remember you
Comin' in and tellin’ me the news
Oh man we were livin’
Goin’ crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried
That is exactly how we both pictured it I think. But with IVF, you are robbed a little of that moment because you are so focused on finding out and testing. I had a little of that left because Don truly would not believe it yet, so after my doctor’s appointment I got busy. Earlier in the week I had optimistically went by Lowe’s and found a miniature workbench and little tools. Don is a carpenter at heart and loves to work with his tools, so I thought it would be neat to be part of the surprise. I had hid it in our hall closet. After I gave blood they told me they would call around 11:00am, so I lied and told Don they wouldn’t call until around 2:00. I had a plan. I went by a few places to pick up some things for my surprise like a banner and balloons and such, and rushed home to start on putting it together. During this whole time it never crossed my mind that they would call with a negative. I knew Don would be out at work all day so I had time, but when I opened the box, it was literally in a thousand pieces. It helped take my mind off waiting so I hurriedly tried to get it together.
I was sitting in the middle of a pile of nuts, bolts, and screws, with pieces of the workbench everywhere when I got the call. I whispered a quick prayer and walked out on the front porch to answer. It was the sweet nurse from the doctor’s office and she was already crying. “Yes!” she screamed as I felt my knees buckle. Although I had felt that I had known, I was not prepared for the shock. I thanked her through my tears and went inside and sat on the floor and cried. I just remember thanking God over and over through my tears. I didn’t have very much time to revel in our victory because I had to get moving on this workbench. Don called to say he was done with work early so I asked him to stall a little. I think he had a hunch I was planning something.
So in the middle of all the chaos, Jordan, my step son walked in the house. He didn’t know I was going to be there, and we hadn’t told Don’s boys about the IVF, so I think we both looked like a deer in headlights. Here I was in the middle of the floor, sweat pouring and poufy eyed, with balloons and stuff everywhere. He asked what all this was for and the first thing that came to my mind was that Easter was that weekend and I was building the workbench for my nephew. Lame, I know but it seemed to stave off any further questioning. So I moved my workbench and balloons into the bedroom. I knew I only had a few minutes until Don was here and I was hoping Jordan would leave so I could really surprise him.
I had another good cry when I dug a target bag out from under the bed that I had hidden there a year and a half ago. After Don’s reversal surgery and when we first started trying, I secretly bought a baby onesie that said “I love my Daddy” on it with a baby rattle. I always thought if I found out I would not be able to keep it from Don so it would be something I could use to surprise him in a clutch. I didn’t know it would be so long and such a hard road to get to before I could use them.
So I finished the workbench (let’s just say there were some extra screws left over) and I tied the balloons on it. I sat a little stuffed animal with the onesie and a card on top of it with a sign that read “Daddy’s Little Helper. We REALLY ARE PREGNANT!” at the bottom. Jordan left so I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Don to get home.
When Don came home, his first words were asking if the doctor’s office had called yet. I lied and told him no. A few minutes later I said, “Oh, come look at what the dog did…” and led him to our bedroom door. He followed quickly behind me and was completely surprised when he saw the little workbench. Tears filled both our eyes because he knew the doctor had called. “We are pregnant!” I screamed like I had dreamed of my entire life, and we both laughed until we cried.
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