My diet update...

My blog originally began as a way to keep myself accountable with my struggle of losing weight.  It definitely helped keep me on the straight and narrow while I was doing it because I felt like I had to answer to someone.  If not just myself having to read that yet again I had not done what I set out to do.  This being why I named my blog "Sarah's Finally Losing it".  But over the years, I have discovered that life was not so much about losing it as it should be about gaining a better, healthy self image and taking care of myself instead of treating it like a garbage can for carbohydrates.  Oh my precious pretty carbohydrates (said in a voice like Gollum from Lord of the Rings).

So after two kids, the blog title has taken on a very different meaning.  Some days it stands for losing my mind, losing my will, losing my gall, losing my overall generally positive perspective on life.  Some better days it really is about losing all the crap that doesn't matter and realizing what does.  Most days its just longing for a simpler way to live and be happy.  My kids are teaching me a lot about what that means.

But I would be lying to your face if I told you that my weight was not something that still haunts nearly every other hour of my life.  I am thinking it is genetics.  If you don't believe me, check out this pictorial fat graph I made at the beginning of my diet for motivation.  I mean who does that?

 

Personal worst to Personal Best (never wanted anyone to see the bikini pics now I would be proud of them)  In case you are wondering I am in the middle of this scale as of today

 I hear other women talk and blab on and on about weight, and I catch myself smugly thinking "Jeez I am glad I am not that crazy and hard on myself".  Sarah, you silly silly girl.  I never liked the verse "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."  You really got me on that one, Jesus...It's much more fun to converse about the spec in every one elses' eyes than to even entertain the idea that I may have a huge chunk of wood in mine.  I do obsess about my weight in my own mind, and maybe a little of it spills out into my conversations.  I think its genetics.  So yeah, its my Mom's fault not mine.  :)

So I have decided that I would like to be the link in the chain that breaks this obsession with weight.  A long lineage of women in my family have spent their free time talking about who gained what and did you see how big she was?  I know I have provided much conversation at the dinner table with my own yo-yoing.  I don't want my daughter to hear you would be pretty if you lost 20 lbs and I don't want her to think that her level of acceptance is directly related to her jean size.  Although in most of modern day culture that is still true - I would rather spend my energy teaching her to be smart, kind, compassionate, funny, and healthy.  I realize to do this I must be a role model for all of those things.  Crap, that's a lot of pressure.  Hence why it is easier to just tell someone else how to do it.

So for those of you that are like me and like to read about every single weight struggle and every pound lost and the details of the new diet fad I happen to be on, may be a little disappointed in the future as I try to only check in with how it is going rather than focusing all of my energy on my weight.  So here is my update and I shall check back in at a later date (probably when I feel most guilty about not taking care of myself.

I apparently am the type of woman, no matter how much she fears gaining a bunch of weight when she is pregnant, will inadvertently gain 70 lbs when I am the condition.  My first pregnancy, it was due to feeling like I had an excuse to eat everything that suited my fancy, and the second time, I was actually conscious about what I was shoving in my face but had a hard time controlling. I actually didn't gain as much the second time but after the dust settled and I went back to work, ended up weighing the exact same.  I had gone on the HCG diet at a local Dr's office after I had Isaac, and had lost all but about 10 lbs of the baby weight.  It seemed as soon as I was able to enjoy being a nice healthy size, we were making the decision to begin the whole IVF process over.  So I have pretty much felt like I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant, or trying to get over being pregnant for nearly four years now.  Since the HCG diet seemed to be the most dependable route for me, I went back to the Weight Shop like before and started the whole drudgery again.  

Let me tell you, it was so hard to let go of my sugar and carbs this time.  I knew that the only way I could get through it was to re-learn to eat to live rather than live to eat.  You would think I would already have learned to do this, but it seems I have to rewire myself every time I fall off the wagon.  This is a difficult process for me, but in the end I realize that I have to find joy in different things instead of Velveeta shells and cheese and croissant rolls.  They do make me oh so very happy.    Once I get over the initial hump I feel like I can hang on for the long haul, and this type of diet gives me results quickly so I stay motivated.  

My normal day consists of three cups of coffee with stevia sweetener, a bag of protein chips, a protein bar and some sort of grilled lean meat and vegetable.  Oh and we can't forget my one serving of fruit a day - a small (large) glass of Moscato.  That's it.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And if I cheat at all I know it will go so downhill so fast that I have only cheated once in 4.5 months.  We went away for my husband's b-day and I ate some pita slices with hummus and it was over.  Half a family size bag of M&Ms and the next two days and I had gained 3 lbs back.  So in a little less than 4.5 months or 124 days, I have lost a total of 53 lbs.  I would like to lose about 22 more and I have given myself the rest of this month and two more months on the plan to see if I can make that happen.  

I am back in my pre baby jeans and starting to feel like myself again.  I always have conflicted feelings about getting back to my normal though.  Its weird when I am overweight, and especially that overweight, it is like I am invisible.  Its like a weird re immersion into the universe.  I work with a bunch of guys and its not like they were rude or anything when I was bigger, its just that they didn't look at me when they talked to me.  Now that I am getting back to my healthy, its like all the sudden I reappeared.  Which really ticks me off when I think about it.  Its nice to have positive attention now, but where the heck was I for the past year?  I WAS RIGHT HERE!  Same person just with less muffin top.  I guess its one of the reasons I have had to develop such an awesome personality.  Ha!

So that's it, my exciting weight update.  Maybe I can re post to celebrate hitting my goal and we won't have to talk about it again :)

Stitch Fix #1 (of infinity)

So, I know I have to do some posts to catch back up, but in the meantime I have to share my excitement from receiving my first stitch fix in the mail this past weekend.  If you don't know what Stitch Fix is you have either been A) living under a rock or B) raising crazy young 'uns.  Here is the link to the site if you want to check it out Stitch Fix. A friend from work, who knows I struggle in the fashion and style department, told me about it after I had Isaac.  After having E, I knew one of my weight goals was to lose enough to even fit in the sizes that they provide.  Once I reached that size, I kept stalling for a few reasons.

1. If you have ever had a weight problem, you may have the same fears that I always had about receiving clothes from anyone or anything that you didn't try on first or pick out yourself.  Being chubby my whole life, I hated receiving clothes for Christmas for fear of the "Oh go try it on and show all fifty family members how it looks" only to find I couldn't get the fabric above my knees.  It has happened...more than once.  Then you have to do the walk of shame wearing the same thing you had on before you left the room with the ole' shoulder shrug that it didn't fit.  It was more so about my own disappointment than anyone elses, but still.  Even the few interspersed times of being less chubby my mind set was automatically that any clothes that arrived to me in that fashion would be too small, regardless of the actual size.  Maybe its just me.... So anyway, the first fear was that I would be so excited, tell my friends I was doing it, get it in the mail, and nothing would fit.
2. I am a habitual buyer of clothes that do not fit under the assumption that once I buy them I will magically lose the weight necessary to wear them appropriately.  ESPECIALLY if its on sale.
3. I never buy an item of clothes that is over $29.99 (and the 1 cent does matter to me).  Well, there was this one time I went into the Buckle store (where store attendants are definitely paid by sales commissions and ended up buying two pairs of $100 jeans that I now realize give me muffin top no matter what size I am. I got too many "oh girl, you can definitely rock that" and my self esteem made me do it).
4. I am still on the diet from hell and losing weight so I have no idea what size I actually am (see reason number #1) 

Here are the reasons I ultimately did it.

1. Ever since I can remember being in control of my own wardrobe, I have had no idea what my "style" is.  I am all over the place - feminine and flirty, casual, vintage, traditional, classy, country, grunge....  My closet definitely needs to go to rehab for having multiple personalities.  And because I only buy clothes that are cheap - they don't necessarily fit or do anything for me.  Not only do I not wear most of the clothes in my closet, I don't even LIKE half of them.  I have dreamed of wiping the slate clean and actually spending the necessary money on having wardrobe staples that I could feel good about wearing.
2. The need to stop waiting until I was the perfect size that I am never gonna be.  For my entire life I have wanted to be a size 10.  Not skinny, but healthy.  I have only been there once.  Lets face it, even if I get there this time the probability of staying there based on historical performance is really small.  Not to hate on myself, just trying to be realistic.  So does that mean I wait forever and possible never to have a nice wardrobe?  Clinton and Hillary from What not to Wear say "NO!".   I need to stop being ridiculous.
3. I feel a deep seated need to buy,have,and wear new clothes.  I feel better when I am wearing new clothes and then the new wears off and I don't ever wear it again.  Hence why it has to be cheap.  To me, there is nothing like wearing a brand new anything.  But because they are cheap and I was never really loving them anyway I always need more.  This is also ridiculous.
4. If nothing fit or I didn't like any of it, I could just send it back!

So once I grew a set and decided to do it, I went to the site and started filling in my personal style profile.  Like I said, I didn't know my style so at first this was a little daunting, but it was so easy once I started going through it.  They show you several sets of clothes and you say whether you love it, like it, don't like it or hate it.  That was helpful.  The size parts I was afraid of, but you have to be honest or you will get stuff that looks terrible.  The site suggests that you create a pinterest board of different outfits that you like to help the stylist, so went a little crazy one afternoon and did that too.  I was a little worried that every style I picked had a skinny girl wearing something and the stylist would get the wrong idea of what I could wear, but somehow he didn't....And yes I said HE.  I would like to refer to him by his name - Chris(topher).  I do have to say I was surprised to see that a guy did my styling but Chris obviously knows what he is doing.  Here is why I already love him:

1. He picked things for me that fit.  A couple items were a little snug for one reason or another, but for the most part the fit was great.
2. He picked things I would never have picked off of the shelf.
3. He showed me how to pair the items with different things for completely different looks - this is what I struggle with the most.
4. He made me step out of my cheap comfort zone, but not so far out of it that I had a meltdown and sent everything back.

Here is my cheat cards that will help me to look like I know what the heck I am doing with the items that he sent me.  This is actually really helpful.

So you are probably saying, "shut up already and show me the goods".  Taking pictures of myself created a little (a lot) a bit of anxiety, but fortunately I was overcome by the exhaustion of the whole "Paci Fairy" debacle that I decided not to care (long story for another day).  I won't say that I didn't take a thousand shots and weeded out the best I could find, but still.  Its better than the first option of not including my face in any of them.  So here we go - the good, bad and the ugly.  I'll start with the good so we can work up to the ugly.

1.  

 You will have to forgive the shotty camera work.  I had already had three cups of coffee and I still have no clue where to look when I take the picture.  This blouse was the first I put on.  The fit isn't exactly perfect, but it works I think.  I would have never picked this shirt off of a rack, but I do like it, and BONUS, it is orange and white and navy so could pass for a good Clemson football game shirt.  I like the feminine details and the lines down the sleeves.  Looks professional enough for work, but not too uptight, and manages to be pretty without showing too much cleavage.  I wouldn't have thought to pair it with white pants, but since Chris suggested it, I went ahead and tried it and I actually liked it better than my usual.  I had to search for them in the back of my closet because white pants are laughable in my house (if I don't mess them up with my sloppy eating and clumsiness, my two kids will see to it that they don't make it through a day) but I think I will keep this one. 

2. 

 
 Chris must have read my mind on this one, although they were the scariest to take out of the box and actually put on.  I avoid trying on jeans at all costs, hence why I still have a pair from my freshman year of high school.  Lately, I have become obsessed with finding a really cool pair of cowboy boots.  Problem is, to pull off the look I imagine I need some sort of skinny jeans.  Skinny jeans scare me to death.  I have seen skinny people look bad in skinny jeans, much less someone who has a lot more to shove in them.  I actually liked these when I put them on.  I was trying not to be encumbered by the ether of just being able to get them on, and judge them objectively, but I liked them a lot.  I'm not impressed with the full frontal view but I do think they help out in the butt department.  Chris totally helped me out by suggesting that I roll them up, which I thought could work with all the flats I wear to work.  Now I know I don't look particularly stellar, but in the whole skinny jean realm I would actually feel comfortable in them?  Now for some really awesome cowboy boots.

3. 

Okay now, I know you are thinking this shirt is too tight, and it is, but I loved it.  So here I am breaking the cardinal rule of buying clothes that "will fit in ten pounds".  But I really really liked it.  Chris must have been stalking me, because this is exactly the type of stuff I want.  I could wear this to work (in 10lbs) and look polished, but also wear it to a kids birthday party (and just not eat any cake).  The color is my fav and I like the weird sleeves.  I think I am liking the two blouses the best because I feel like one of my best features is my decolletage, or as my 2.5 year old calls it - "the chicken bones that poke out of my neck".  I think I'll keep it and maybe make myself wear it for the embarrassment and punishment if I don't actually lose the 10 lbs.

So those were the good things I thought. The bad thing, well, its not really bad, its just too bad for me.  I am not an accessories girl.  I put in a pair of target dangly earrings until they lose a part or turn colors and then I buy another pair and leave them in indefinitely.  I only really wear my wedding band and ring, and hardly ever wear a necklace unless it is so tiny you could barely see it.  I don't know, its just not my thing.  And I certainly wouldn't ever spend more than $20 on any one piece.  This is why the only "real" jewelry I own is my wedding rings and a overstocked Pandora bracelet.  I realize this whole theory is probably because I don't own nice things, but at this point, I would just rather spend my money on clothes.

 So here is the bangle that Chris selected for me.  When I saw it in the box, I was a little disappointed since I wanted it to be all clothes, although I didn't say that on the survey.  I would like to be surprised by a piece every now and then, but this was $34, and unless its just a really good deal on 14k gold, I don't want it.  I didn't even want to put it on, because the more I looked at it the more I liked it, and then when I did put it on I was thinking maybe I would keep it.....but  I stuck to my guns and sent it back.

Okay for the ugly.  Let me preface this by saying when I saw this garment, I immediately thought of tapestry on the walls of the Biltmore House.  Not a look I could pull off.  But, I wanted to keep an open mind and maybe the fit would just blow my socks off.   Not so much.

This dress ended up accentuating everything that I would like to hide or forget I have.  From the arms, to the thighs to the post baby belly.  You can even tell I am sucking it in uncomfortably in the last picture.  It's so bad I didn't even want to post it.  Not your fault Chris, it could have worked better on someone with different coloring and flat tummy.  But I am gonna go with a big no on this one.

So all in all the bracelet and the dress went back.  I kept the two shirts and the jeans for a total of $150.  I know that was high, especially when one of the shirts is a tad too tight, but I really liked them and felt like they would be staples in my wardrobe for a while.  And with the help of the suggestions could get a few other pieces and use them for totally different looks (would have never thought about the yellow skirt with the blue top but I bet is would look great together). 

If you are interested in stitch fix, please use my referral link - http://www.stitchfix.com/referral/3970713 .  My husband will thank you for the discount I will get on my next fix :).

Oh, and thank you Chris - where ever you are I hope we can be friends.

Visit Sarah's profile on Pinterest.

Sike! I'm really back now! (for the sanity of my poor husband)

So my husband doesn't care to hear narratives about how much I love Jamberry, Zulily, Jane.com, Stitch fix, make up, or anything other girly thing in my life.  He has feigned interest in those things for far too long.  He needs for me to have an outlet, and my friends need for me not to sound like a salesman when I get on a kick about something I like, so I felt like I needed to strike up the ole' blog again.  Even if no one out there is reading, I feel better.

Ya'll...Having two kids under the age of three is TOUGH.  I have never been one to complain about anything having to do with my kids (I went through a lot of stuff to get them here and would do it a hundred times over) and I was never one to complain about my pregnancies so I am not about to start complaining now.  I just want to be straight up with you guys.  I wasn't prepared.  (Not that I think you could be prepared at all). Before deciding to go through IVF again using one of our frozen embryos, my husband liked to state that "having one child was like having one and having two was like having five."  I thought it was one of the dumbest things he had ever said at the time.  Well, dang it, as much as I hate to ever admit it, he was right.  Somehow the laundry goes from three loads a week to nine loads, and since I have two young 'uns in diapers we are most of the time up to our eyeballs in poop.

But ya'll, look what I got...

So much joy and cuteness and blessedness that I can't even contain it and I don't want to.  Our little Ellie bug (Eliza Rae) has completed our family and she is perfect in every way.  And Isaac is too.  He is a genius and a happy little southern gentleman.  He is also 2.5 yrs old... and wild...and all boy.  We have adventures every day, and have only ended up in the hospital twice.  WHEW!

So wow...been a long time.  I have literally told myself a bagillion times that I needed to start writing again - for numerous reasons.  The largest of which is that, on any given day I can have a hundred feelings that I forget by the time I lay my exhausted face on the pillow every night.  I have been through so much in the last two years and I look back now and wish I had some sort of journal, or way to remember the emotions I had at those times.  But alas, I do not.  And one of the reasons why I never felt like I could start again was feeling the need to write about everything that has happened sounded even more exhausting.  There was never a good place to start.  Well, I am just going to have to start, and that's all there is to it.

With my busy schedule and non existent free time, I am always trying to find some sort of deal to make my life easier.  And let me preface that by saying that I am a sucker.  I have probably tried or owned every "As seen on TV" product that has ever existed.  It is a household rule that I am not allowed to watch the Home shopping network after having a little too much to drink on a certain night in college and ordering four king size pillows (I have never owned a king size bed).  You think I am kidding but I am sadly not.  Finding new products I love is addicting and very satisfying, and helps me to over look the fact that I may be failing miserably in other areas of my life.  Example:  I like to look at my pretty Jamberry nails instead of  entertaining the thought that it is quite possible that I have not dusted anything in my home in over a year.  TRUTH.  Who has time for dusting? Oh that's right... people who want their house to be clean.  Its not that I actively don't want my house to be clean, but time with my kids is more important (and Jamberry), and anyone who is going to judge me by the level of dust on my stack of papers on top of a casserole dish that I should have returned six months ago on my kitchen island can really just suck an egg. (that's nasty).  That is a whole other topic of blogness.

So I know in the past my blog has been all over the place with subjects and I can't imagine that it will be any different now.  I will still talk about weight all the time, we still have huge decisions to make on the IVF front that I have to somehow emotionally work through, and since I use myself as a human guinea pig for every new miracle product on the planet I will probably use it as an outlet for all of my many opinions.  My poor husband.  My blog will be an outlet for me, not necessarily for the joy of anyone reading it so feel free to not care if you so choose.  Also, I get really mad when I become emotionally invested in someone's blog and they drop off the face of the planet.  I am sorry about that, but I had a little bit going on.  I really want to stick with, but seeing as I said that last time, I could understand why no one would believe that.  I'll try to do better this time.