My diet update...

My blog originally began as a way to keep myself accountable with my struggle of losing weight.  It definitely helped keep me on the straight and narrow while I was doing it because I felt like I had to answer to someone.  If not just myself having to read that yet again I had not done what I set out to do.  This being why I named my blog "Sarah's Finally Losing it".  But over the years, I have discovered that life was not so much about losing it as it should be about gaining a better, healthy self image and taking care of myself instead of treating it like a garbage can for carbohydrates.  Oh my precious pretty carbohydrates (said in a voice like Gollum from Lord of the Rings).

So after two kids, the blog title has taken on a very different meaning.  Some days it stands for losing my mind, losing my will, losing my gall, losing my overall generally positive perspective on life.  Some better days it really is about losing all the crap that doesn't matter and realizing what does.  Most days its just longing for a simpler way to live and be happy.  My kids are teaching me a lot about what that means.

But I would be lying to your face if I told you that my weight was not something that still haunts nearly every other hour of my life.  I am thinking it is genetics.  If you don't believe me, check out this pictorial fat graph I made at the beginning of my diet for motivation.  I mean who does that?

 

Personal worst to Personal Best (never wanted anyone to see the bikini pics now I would be proud of them)  In case you are wondering I am in the middle of this scale as of today

 I hear other women talk and blab on and on about weight, and I catch myself smugly thinking "Jeez I am glad I am not that crazy and hard on myself".  Sarah, you silly silly girl.  I never liked the verse "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."  You really got me on that one, Jesus...It's much more fun to converse about the spec in every one elses' eyes than to even entertain the idea that I may have a huge chunk of wood in mine.  I do obsess about my weight in my own mind, and maybe a little of it spills out into my conversations.  I think its genetics.  So yeah, its my Mom's fault not mine.  :)

So I have decided that I would like to be the link in the chain that breaks this obsession with weight.  A long lineage of women in my family have spent their free time talking about who gained what and did you see how big she was?  I know I have provided much conversation at the dinner table with my own yo-yoing.  I don't want my daughter to hear you would be pretty if you lost 20 lbs and I don't want her to think that her level of acceptance is directly related to her jean size.  Although in most of modern day culture that is still true - I would rather spend my energy teaching her to be smart, kind, compassionate, funny, and healthy.  I realize to do this I must be a role model for all of those things.  Crap, that's a lot of pressure.  Hence why it is easier to just tell someone else how to do it.

So for those of you that are like me and like to read about every single weight struggle and every pound lost and the details of the new diet fad I happen to be on, may be a little disappointed in the future as I try to only check in with how it is going rather than focusing all of my energy on my weight.  So here is my update and I shall check back in at a later date (probably when I feel most guilty about not taking care of myself.

I apparently am the type of woman, no matter how much she fears gaining a bunch of weight when she is pregnant, will inadvertently gain 70 lbs when I am the condition.  My first pregnancy, it was due to feeling like I had an excuse to eat everything that suited my fancy, and the second time, I was actually conscious about what I was shoving in my face but had a hard time controlling. I actually didn't gain as much the second time but after the dust settled and I went back to work, ended up weighing the exact same.  I had gone on the HCG diet at a local Dr's office after I had Isaac, and had lost all but about 10 lbs of the baby weight.  It seemed as soon as I was able to enjoy being a nice healthy size, we were making the decision to begin the whole IVF process over.  So I have pretty much felt like I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant, or trying to get over being pregnant for nearly four years now.  Since the HCG diet seemed to be the most dependable route for me, I went back to the Weight Shop like before and started the whole drudgery again.  

Let me tell you, it was so hard to let go of my sugar and carbs this time.  I knew that the only way I could get through it was to re-learn to eat to live rather than live to eat.  You would think I would already have learned to do this, but it seems I have to rewire myself every time I fall off the wagon.  This is a difficult process for me, but in the end I realize that I have to find joy in different things instead of Velveeta shells and cheese and croissant rolls.  They do make me oh so very happy.    Once I get over the initial hump I feel like I can hang on for the long haul, and this type of diet gives me results quickly so I stay motivated.  

My normal day consists of three cups of coffee with stevia sweetener, a bag of protein chips, a protein bar and some sort of grilled lean meat and vegetable.  Oh and we can't forget my one serving of fruit a day - a small (large) glass of Moscato.  That's it.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And if I cheat at all I know it will go so downhill so fast that I have only cheated once in 4.5 months.  We went away for my husband's b-day and I ate some pita slices with hummus and it was over.  Half a family size bag of M&Ms and the next two days and I had gained 3 lbs back.  So in a little less than 4.5 months or 124 days, I have lost a total of 53 lbs.  I would like to lose about 22 more and I have given myself the rest of this month and two more months on the plan to see if I can make that happen.  

I am back in my pre baby jeans and starting to feel like myself again.  I always have conflicted feelings about getting back to my normal though.  Its weird when I am overweight, and especially that overweight, it is like I am invisible.  Its like a weird re immersion into the universe.  I work with a bunch of guys and its not like they were rude or anything when I was bigger, its just that they didn't look at me when they talked to me.  Now that I am getting back to my healthy, its like all the sudden I reappeared.  Which really ticks me off when I think about it.  Its nice to have positive attention now, but where the heck was I for the past year?  I WAS RIGHT HERE!  Same person just with less muffin top.  I guess its one of the reasons I have had to develop such an awesome personality.  Ha!

So that's it, my exciting weight update.  Maybe I can re post to celebrate hitting my goal and we won't have to talk about it again :)