Not over them, but for them!

The other day I was drudging through the non existent summer TV programming.  I normally choose three or four shows to be involved in, DVR them, and watch them as my unwind from the day after the kids go to bed.  These shows vary from all different parts of the spectrum, and frankly, my To-do record list looks a little schizophrenic - The Bachelor/Bachelorette, The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Girls, Togetherness, Bates Motel, Downton Abbey, Masterpiece Theatre, Call the Midwife, Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder, True Detective, Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol, and Blaze and the Monster Machines.  I normally keep a backlog that I can choose from if the satellite loses signal or if its a night of nothing on.  Well because I had nothing in the backlog, I was channel surfing... I saw the title "Masters of Sex" and decided to see what the hub bub was all about.  Not because of the title, but because I had heard such good things about the series (which is about the controversial release of the first book about Sex in America, and what the people did and went through for the research).  The episode I watched actually had nothing to do with sex at all, for I was afraid it would turn into a "Skinamax" show at the drop of the hat.  It was more about the relationships and the experiences of the people that wrote and published the book.  Now, I am saying this, only having watched two whole episodes, so you will have to forgive me if it is really a show full of sex crazed individuals - I didn't see any of that when I watched. 

Sometimes it is relaxing for me to watch TV shows that depict people struggling.  I am not going to lie.  Maybe it makes me feel like I actually have my crap together.  Either way I was just watching, drinking my usual glass of wine and eating a block of cheese (don't ask).  I was not expecting a random show to impact me so much.  I admit I have been super emotional this week.  I think its the combo of being over tired, busy at work, and still trying to adjust from the post vacation slumps.  It could be the case of Mama Guilt I just posted about or just the fact that I miss my kids 10 hrs out of everyday.  Since Isaac was born 3.5 years ago the stay-at-home mom/working mom debate has been on my mind and honestly a struggle in my heart.  I mostly have heard the argument for staying at home with your kids, and very few on the side of being a working mom that I felt suited my own argument.  I am not an ambitious person in my career.  I think I work hard and I do hoping to earn in return, and I strive to do a good job, but notoriety and working up the chain has never been a goal for me - so that argument (for me) was out.  I like to listen to Dr. Laura on my way home from work sometimes, although sometimes I think she is a total witch, and I can't stand to listen when she starts berating working mothers.  So much so that I often start to feel that way about myself.  Like that things like finances and insurance don't matter and that we should sell everything we have and be together.  I do know that is a possibility in life, and people struggle to make it work, and I do SO admire those people, and some days are INSANELY jealous of them.  But losing the last 20 lbs I would like to lose is a possibility too that doesn't seem very easily done.  So in the vein of my last post about Mama Guilt, when I saw this interaction of this show, it struck a very large nerve.

Here is a copy of the script of the conversation that moved me to tears.  A little background, forgive me for my lack of understanding the entire show.  Virginia and Bill are working together on the book.  Virginia is a working mother, who is about to have another baby.   She is afraid she is going to screw this kid up because she worked through the raising of her other two kids, and well, they are kinda screwed up (not because of that but she feels like it anyway).  She is literally in labor and having an argument with Bill about work.  Note:  Any stay at home moms out there, please don't be offended, in fact, like I said earlier, I am jealous of you and admire you.  I don't think you all smother your kids and resent them because you don't have a career outside of the home.  Its that I just wanted to show a little love for the working moms out there too.  The clip from the show just had me in tears, it was the weirdest thing.  I suppose it is because I work in a predominantly male industry also where if I am promoted or congratulated it is because I have boobs and a vagina rather than actually doing a good job.  So I actually do feel like I have to work harder to prove myself.  I also struggle with whether I am screwing my kids up because I am not at home with them.  I think it was a conglomeration of several things.  Regardless, I had never heard the pros of working mothers put quite the way Bill did in his argument.  At this point, any positives about working while raising a family is welcome.

Virginia: Then I need to try harder.
Yes, much harder.
I-I need to spend more time at home, Bill.
I need to leave work early.
I need to come in later.
I need to take all the qualities that make me good at my job, and I need to apply them to being a mother.

William: I see.  So you think that's what every child needs, - a mother who's at home? 

Virginia: - Yes! 

William: Well, I had a mother at home all day, every day.  You too, yes? Did that make you feel happy? Loved? Or oppressed by the attention? Suffocated by their resentment of being stuck doing the same thing day in and day out.  Maybe if those women had taken off their aprons and ventured outside, held their own against men, felt their worth in the world, and brought all that home to their children, maybe their kids wouldn't have spent all that time wanting to be free of them.  

Virginia: I don't know, Bill.  

William: Perhaps it's your ambivalence that's the problem, t-t-that you-- you live in a constant state of apology to your children.  What if-- what if you showed this baby that you were choosing to pursue your passion, not-- not over him, but for him.  You know, so that every single night, you could bring him home a piece of the world, a world that you are working to change for the better.  Maybe there is more than just one way to do most things, including being a mother.

That I think, is the main point.  There is more than just one way to do most things and to do them well. Some stay at home moms are awesome, and some suck.  Some working moms suck, but some are totally AWESOME too, so chin up!  Go out there and bring the best parts of the world home to your little ones, and don't get stuck in a rut thinking you choosing your work over your kids, but FOR THEM.  Can I get an Amen!?!?!?!?

Also...Don't start watching "Master's of Sex" because I quoted it, it will be my luck the next episode will be full of actual sex. Eeeek!

The Mama Guilt

So, I know I haven’t really written anything with any context to it in a long time.  I am aware and it makes me feel guilty.  Please add this to my list of things to feel guilty for – which brings me to that as a topic I would feel better about if I could sort out my thoughts – hence this post.  Of course it’s easier to talk about things that don’t really matter than getting into anything that does, and, lets be honest, I am not so vain as to think that anyone out there they may happen across my blog actually reads it for the content lately.  I felt like when I was going through IVF and trying to deal with own body accepting issues, I might have had something to say worth reading.  I suppose it could have helped someone going through it.  But here lately I don’t feel like I have contributed anything worthwhile.  

I feel like I am generally on any given day, a positive and happy individual.  I may not come across that way because sarcasm is one my biggest humor tools, but really, I am a glass half full type of girl.  I suppose I have my faith to thank for that.  Even at the bleakest times of my life I have always felt hope because of it.  I also try to remind myself to be grateful because my life is pretty dang awesome.  Great husband, good paying job, awesome friends, beautiful home, and the coolest kids I could ask for.  What could there be to complain about right?  So here it is…I want to complain about guilt.  And I even feel guilty for that.

Nothing prepares you for the guilt that comes with being a parent, and specifically, a mother.  There, I said it, and the world did not collapse.  I have felt, and have also been told, that because I have gone through IVF and hardships to have my children, that I should never complain.  I even remember feeling that way when I was smack dab in the middle of it, trying to hold on to having a child with my fingernails, and then someone would complain about their little one.  The combination of jealousy, anger, and all those hormones would spring up inside me so quickly I wanted to scream at them or punch them in the face.  So much so that I tried to do very little complaining about my pregnancies even when I was covered with tiny red itchy bumps, or when my babies would keep me up all night.  But I have since discovered that there is a fine line between COMPLAINING about something, and about keeping it real and being honest with yourself and each other.  To make my life seem all roses and daisies would really not be telling the whole truth, and even my three year old knows that not telling the whole truth is the same as straight up lying.  And here lately, social media seems to have helped us all to not tell the WHOLE truth.  Life is made up of the good, the bad, and the ugly, and no one ever talks about the last two.  I say all this to say – I am not complaining, just trying to keep it real, and trying to talk myself through something I never read about before I had kids – The Mama Guilt.

My personality lends itself to guilt and so did my upbringing.  It also taught me to hold my guilt internally and to just deal with it.  I was always the kid that couldn’t stand to disappoint my parents, or anyone for that matter, and so, needless to say, I felt guilty about something pretty much all the time.  Still do come to think of it.  But this Mama Guilt is a killer, it can be overwhelming and exhausting.  Sure, it can motivate you to do some great things, but it can depress you more than watching an episode of Bachelor in Paradise (and that’s pretty dang bad), and it can wear on you more than a pair of tight underwear.

I remember the first Mama guilt I experienced was feeling guilty because IVF worked for me and didn’t for a lot of the women in my support group online.  Then it was because I was ordered to be on bed rest because of my pre-eclampsia when there was so much to do around the house.  Then came the guilt because I seemed to struggle with breastfeeding a newborn after being brainwashed that it was the ONLY way to feed your baby if you actually loved it.  It progressed into feeling guilty that I was so tired and couldn’t keep up.  That I couldn’t handle the things that other Mama’s seemed to do just perfectly.  It was saying no to commitments because I needed more time with my baby.   It was missing church because I couldn’t spend one more minute away from my baby.  The guilt of going back to work trumped everything, and if ever in my life I have been clinically depressed, it was then.  So much so that I started researching  the value of my house and binging on episodes of “Tiny House Nation” – dreaming of selling everything, building a tiny house and quitting my job.  If my husband ever knew how serious I was about that on some of those days, he might have made me go talk to someone.  And to be honest I probably should have.  The guilt of being a Mama was too much and the fact that I couldn’t talk to it about anyone without feeling guilty that I felt the guilt in the first place was unbearable.

The Mama guilt for me has always come down to time.  Knowing that even stay at home moms could feel the same type of guilt, being a working mom seemed to compound it.  And Lord Jesus help me, listening to Dr. Laura on the way home from work made me want to stick a rusty fork in my eye.  I agree with her on most things but she is VEHEMENTLY against being a working mom.  I don’t know why I put myself through listening to it.  I suppose it  was like a way of punishing myself because I knew I would always come up short.  When I had two kids, the time part of the Mama guilt grew exponentially when I could see that our daughter would get short changed to make up for lost time with Isaac, only to try to make up for it by shortchanging Isaac.  It was a never ending pit of guilt.

Then started the out pour of cute, well meaning, deep poems/videos/stories/quotes  that I would come across on social media.  You have all seen the ones I am talking about.  I just read one this morning, which I suppose, is why I feel the need to respond.  It was all about how there is a last time to everything.  A last time you will rock your baby.  A last time you will sing “wheels on the bus” with them. And  on and on and on.  Granted, it totally made me do the ugly cry, but when you already feel the Mama guilt, the last thing you need is a little poem to remind us that if your child asks you to sleep with them instead of going to your bed to get much needed rest, it will probably be the last time they will ever ask you to do it.   I mean, come on, like we need to feel guilty about something else?  I know they could be good reminders not to take precious moments with your children for granted, but I think they may hinge a little too much on not being able to enjoy the moment for fear that the moment is going to end.

I have referred to the “Book of Questions” before, because the book simultaneously drove me crazy and taught me a lot about myself and about how we change over time.  Anyway, one of the questions in the book I have been thinking about for the better part of  two decades was  something like this: “While walking in the park you see a stranger and know with absolute certainty that you will meet and fall in love and have the most unimaginable deeply loving relationship with that person.  The stuff of dreams.  Sadly with that comes the knowledge that in a year that person will be hit by a car and killed.  Would you still go talk to the person?  And now I have shared it with you so you can ponder it also.  Anyway, the answer I wrote down in the book over 20 years ago said that I wouldn’t because I would not be able to enjoy any second of it because I would be worried about how it would end.  That’s was just me then, I am sure there are people who feel differently.  I obviously feel differently now because I married a man 18 years older than myself with the knowledge that, even though we have shared the deepest love I could imagine, there is a great possibility that he will not be here for a huge portion of my life, even if we both live long lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t lie awake at night once and a while thinking and crying about it or make it less hard to accept – but I would still make the same decision I made six years ago, knowing all I know now.  I have enough stress in my life to think about those facts every day.  Just like I feel like we have enough guilt to carry around to not have to fear that every moment with our child is the last, or even that if you tell your kid that you can’t lie down with him at night that he will be royally screwed up.  

Sometimes it feels impossible to slow down and be present in every single moment.  And here is where I am trying to convince myself to cut myself some slack.  It is okay to not be present in every single moment, in fact, its dern near impossible.  Some nights it is okay to say “Isaac, Mama isn’t going to lay down with you tonight because ( I haven’t eaten all day, I have to clean up, I have to take a shower, I need a glass of wine and an episode of The Walking Dead….you catch my drift).  No matter how hard I try, I am never going to be all the things that my kids need.  I am never going to always see the next boo boo before it happens.  I am never going to always say the right thing.  I am never going to always discipline without being angry.  I am never going to always give enough of myself to them, because what would they want with an empty, exhausted, broken down shell of a Mama anyway?  And here is the kicker - its OKAY.  As long as my kids know that I love them and I am always trying to be the best Mama I can be, can I allow myself to let go of the guilt for not always being that?  I write that as a question for a reason.  Because it makes me feel guilty for saying yes. Oh that guilt, what a vicious circle you are.

I saw this video on another blog the other day.  Man, you want to talk about ugly cries….and at work no less.  It helped remind me that even on my not so great days, I still have been loving to my kids, we still end the day saying thank you to God, and who knows what other difference I could have made in a day that may otherwise have been filled with guilt for not being everything to everyone.  I suppose it could have made me feel a little more guilty since I don't have as many kids and I can't remember the last time I made a meal for someone else, or even made it to home group, but that is a guilt I could get around to get the meaning from this one.  I dare you not to do the ugly cry and I hope it reminds you to cut yourself a little slack from the Mama guilt too.  

Stitch Fix #15 and a look back

So my #15 went a little like this:

 I was pretty dang happy with it.  Especially after the #14 meltdown.  I felt like the stylist really listened on this one, and the frustrations I was having.  None of these had issues with chest fit, all of them accentuated certain features that I liked, and they were all different in their own way.  Yaaaaay!  I ended up not keeping the black skinny pants, mostly because I already some Kut from Cloth which fit me waaaaay better, and I wasn't too keen on the last top, but I kept the middle three.

Sometimes humans, and yes, I am going to say women, are such fickle creatures.  And for this, StitchFix, I am sorry.  I have talked to so many friends, and I myself, have been guilty of making a statement that maybe Stitchfix isn't worth the time or the money after a relatively bad fix.  When, I would have to say out of 15 fixes I have only sent two whole ones back.  I thought a quick walk through my stitchfix history would be fun to prove this to myself.  After counting them I believe I have ended up with 14 tops, 3 pants, 3 cardigans, 2 skirts, 1 necklace, and 2 sets of earrings, give or take.  Out of all of those purchases, there is one shirt and one skirt with the tags still on them, meaning I thought I wanted them but I really didn't.  There are at least a handful of things I wish I could still get that I had returned, and the rest of the items I wear regularly.  I have learned what kind of things look good, what doesn't, and most importantly to be intentional in the way I dress my body - those things you can't really equate to a $.  I have had three friends start Stitchfix, and to my knowledge are all happy the decision.  I know I blog about it a lot, but can you tell I really like it?  Anyway, you can take a gander my past  - the good, the bad, and well, the baddest.  I am, however, sorry that my selfie taking skills have not improved...BTW, if you want to try Stitchfix, go here.  Enjoy!

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7 & #8 are lost in time

#9

#10

#11

#12

#13

 #14

Stitch Fix #13 and #14 and Body Image stuff

Can I please just start with a review of my 14th fix.  When there is good news and bad news, I sort of always like to hear the bad news first.  So, I don't have any pictures of my 14th fix.  I was too depressed and down on myself to even bother to take pictures of them.  Just a friendly little reminder that if you have ever had body issues, you never fully get rid of them.  One really tight fit can make you feel bad about yourself if you aren't careful, and then it seems like you are sliding back into the abyss of self deprication.  Then, you feel guilty because you did that.  I have said this before, but since having my daughter I have really wanted her have a healthy happy body image and not be completely screwed up by the fact that I never had one.

I have been through hell and high water with this body.  We have battled rheumatoid arthritis when I was young.  I have stretched it and shrunk it, poked it and beat it up.  I have pushed it to its very limits going through IVF, and it has given me two beautiful babies.  When I really think about it, I could do nothing but LOVE this body for all that it has been able to do.  So it really makes me mad when I start to not like it. This is one of the very best moments with my body and I.  I weighed the most I ever have in my entire life, my blood pressure had skyrocketed and I couldn't stop shaking, but I had never been so thankful to my body and to God.

So you gotta be careful with the slippery slope.  I have requested and commented about my "problem" areas, that aren't exactly problems.  In fact, that I call them that pisses me off.  Nevertheless, they are areas that make certain types of clothes impossible to wear comfortably.  I think I have pinpointed those areas and I have tried to share this with my stylists.  Most get it, some don't.  For example....if the sizes are like junior sizes, they aren't going to fit!  Sorry/not sorry, I have breast fed two children with these boobs and they don't fit in those things, especially if there isn't any stretch to the material.  Also, my floppy muffin top can't work on top of low waisted jeans or tight skirts, but I also can't do the high-waisted either (just google Jessica Simpson high waist jeans and see what pops up).  These are things that I shouldn't feel bad about, just things to consider when buying clothes.

Well this fix was just terrible in those departments.  The tops were pretty, but when I put them on they had no stretch, and they were too tight under the arms and around my chest.  Then there was a maxi skirt that was beautiful, but was tight around the waist and then at the hip.  Definitely not a good look for me.  I could say none of this was the stylists' fault but I had specifically pointed out these things in the past.  The downward spiral about my body image was all my fault after that.  So....Good thing I have pictures of past fixes to remind me that my body IS beautiful for what it has done in this life, and with the right clothes I can feel like it is pretty too.  Which takes me back to Fix #13

This fix was spectacular.  From the moment I opened the box and saw all the beautiful colors, I had such great hopes and I wasn't let down.

I also think I was just having a good hair day. Ha!  So I actually loved a little bit of all of these.  The first shirt was awesome - fit great and has great colors.  The only slight negative about the top I can say now, after owning it for about a month, is that the material seems to be pilling a bit.  Granted, I throw everything in the laundry.  Hand wash and dry clean?  Ain't nobody got time fo dat!  I probably at the very least shouldn't be drying it but either way, I still love it.


The grey shirt, I love!  I love the lace detail overlay on top of a super soft comfy t-shirt.  I don't wear it that often, but I think its because I am afraid that the lace will get stuck on anything (including my 18 month old daughters chubby little baby fingers).
The third shirt I sent back, although I was torn - as was the shirt.  There was a hole in the seam, so I would have sent it back either way.  And I can't really explain this, but it felt like a hair dresser's smock.  The color was great though, it doesn't come through in the pictures but it was mint with tiny coral polka dots (the color scheme of Ellie Bug's nursery), so I really wanted to love it.
I normally don't care for a whole lot of flowy billowy type of shirts (even though they are super comfortable), but I really liked this one.  The colors are just beautiful and different.

And then there was the dress...I loved this dress.  Would have been perfect for Sundays.  The chambray was perfect, the cut was perfect, even the little cottony detail was perfect...except I couldn't move the zipper....not even a little bit.  You should have seen me try though!  I did everything I could but it was just too little.  I was so sad to see that one go back, but it had to.  I even looked to see if there was any extra material in the hemming so I could let it out, that's how much I liked it.  Oh well, you win, you lose some.

All in all, I felt good about this fix.  I felt pretty and that the stylist "got" me, with the styles.  Plus, did I say I was having a good hair day?  :)

Stitch Fix #12

There is not very much I remember about this fix, in fact, had I not made myself take pictures at that time, I would have completely forgotten about it.

 

So here's the deal.  I love a peasant top on other people.  On me, it makes me feel like a fluffy pillow akin to the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.  I like the feminine neckline but it just wasn't doing it for me.  I liked the cardigan with the lace shoulders, until a friend at work told me that they looked like shoulder pads and then I couldn't picture anything else.  Plus it was starting to heat up where I live and I didn't think I would get much use for it outside of the office.  

Rarely, do I ever feel that I sent things back in error.  If Stitch fix has taught me anything, I think it has taught me the art of thought about what I put on, not just making spur of the moment purchases and throwing stuff on to get dressed.  It has taught me be intentional with my decisions.  I suppose some may think that is vain, but regardless, the fact remains that how you dress is how people see you.  How people see if you care and love yourself, and I gotta say, its been a long ride to get to where I am with loving my body.  Part of that acceptance is being able to dress the body that you have and not just wishing for a different body.  I'm telling you, big things I've learned from this experience.  

Anywho, I said all that to say I felt like I should have kept the tribal accented top.  I liked it then and I like it now, but I am guilty of following the tone of a stitch all the way through.  Meaning I was just kinda blah about the rest of the fix so that one fell in with the rest.  Had I had seen it with a couple other great choices I may have kept it.  The last pic is of some skinny jeans that were just way too tight.  I have discovered over the course of my fixes also, that I am a HUGE Kut from cloth jeans fan.  The skinny jeans I have purchased have just the right amount of structure vs stretch.  I even love the little soft buttons, that's how crazy I am about them.  My love affair started with my red pants and I believe I have two other pairs.  Any other brand of jeans just don't cut the mustard with my body type.  I can't remember what the fifth item was in this fix, but I was already so over it I just sent the whole thing back.  Just goes to show that on the days where the fix isn't so great, it could just be your mindset on the day.  I remember going shopping with my Mom.  You could tell within the first two things you tried on whether it was going to be a "good" shopping day, or a bad shopping day - and a lot of times it depended on our mood.  I think that may be what happened to this fix.

Stitch Fix #11 (I was off on my numbering somehow)

So, wow, been a while since I caught up with my fixes.  I actually feel really bad, and maybe I am delusional, but I feel like maybe the stylists read the blogs after they have styled someone and it either makes their day a smidge better or not. I also think its really helps them to figure out my weird little things I have about my clothes, and the fixes get better.  Not great for the wallet so much, but the better the fix is, the better I feel in my clothes.  I have also had a couple friends try stitch fix after me and like it, so I figured its worth it.  So here is a recap starting with #12.

Here is the thing with fix 12.  I knew not to ask for shorts.  There would be no stylist on the planet that could satisfy everything that I need from a pair of shorts,and it wasn't nice to trick them into trying.  In fact, if it wasn't so stinkin' hot here in South Carolina, I think I would wear jeans or yoga pants every single day.  But alas, there are too many outside days and lake days planned with the kiddos to be smelting in long pants all weekend. 

Okay, lets get real for second.  I have a large rear end.  Always have, always will.  I have come to accept it and not totally hate it.  And then there is this recently ridiculous trend of the thigh gap, which I have the extreme opposite of.  In fact, if I ever have a thigh gap, please call the ambulance, because something is out of joint or broken.  I believe thigh gaps are much like unicorns, you see pictures of them, you hear stories of them, but I have yet to see one in real life, and have come to accept that they may not exist all together.  (So sorry to all of you out there that actually have them...you are getting enough positive attention as it is I think you can bear with me on opinion).  The thigh gap is such a thing now that it is a joke amongst my friends and husband.  In fact, I have actually tried to "make" my own thigh gap.  Which was pretty doggone hilarious.

You see that tiny bit of light right there????  pay no attention to the fact that my feet are two feet apart at the bottom, and those jeans fit like sausage casings.  Bahahahaha.  The whole point of this thigh gap conversation is to say that I don't have one which makes wearing shorts a little uncomfortable at times due to the dreaded front wedgie effect.  So shorts either fit too tight across my rear end, they are either too long and make me look like "Pat" from Saturday Night Live, or the material bunches in a constant front wedgie that requires the awkward plies mid stride.  Even if you aren't bigger I am sure you can relate.  I suppose I am making a really good argument for the thigh gap.  I digress.

 

 

So what you see in these pics starting top left to bottom right are some cute coral lacy shorts, a chevron blouse, some rolled up ankle jeans, a white eyelet top, and some double layered shorts.  I wanted to keep the coral shorts and am slightly embarrassed by the number of times I put them on and stared at them.  They were great, except for what my hiney looked like from behind.  The front of them had two layers, but the back was a little too thin and sheer for me.  Coupled with a tad bit of pulling across the widest section - I had to send them back.  I wanted to keep them, was told to keep them by a couple of friends, but I just couldn't do that to the general public.  I kept the blue chevron shirt, mainly for fat days, because it was comfortable, somewhat stylish and if I was bloated it gave me some room.  The jeans I sent back because I don't really care for the capri look on me, it felt too Momish.  The white eyelet blouse was cute, but confusing.  It is short already, and then has a deep slit on the sides.  I kept it because I have no white t-shirts are anything like it, but I hardly wear it now because I am not really sure what looks great under it.  The blue shorts had a thin white layer and then like a sheer blue layer over the top.  They were beautiful, but not beautiful on me. The pockets literally looked like they added a layer of saddlebags to my saddlebags - so they went back too.  All in all I kept two out of three.  Sometimes I feel like I should have kept the coral shorts, but they would have looked better if I weighed 10 lbs less and I am trying not to buy clothes that I don't fit in at the time of purchase.