Laughed Until We Cried

So for once in my life, my words seemed to have failed me. I have put off writing about it because there are no words great or deep enough to explain it. Along with the lack of words, I think I have been in a glorious shock, almost not believing it is real.

On April 19th, we had our first beta blood test after the transfer of our two embryos, and although I had an intuitive feeling that at least one of the babies was still with me, I was so very anxious. I had broken down and taken pregnancy tests twice a day and had gotten positives, but Don refused to believe it until the doctor said so. So that day I nervously drove to the doctor’s office and gave blood. They said they would call me around lunch time. I took the day off from work because I figured either way, I wouldn’t be useful. Since I felt like I just knew, I had already made big plans for the day anyway. I find it hard to believe that women don’t know they are pregnant. Because I just KNEW it. I wasn’t really having any symptoms to speak of, but I did have a different feeling, almost like I could feel my baby snuggling in.
I had dreamed my whole life, of that moment when I could surprise my husband that I was pregnant. You see it in movies, you hear about it in country songs. After we got married a song by Jason Aldean came out called “Laughed until We Cried”. There is a verse in the song that literally made Don and I both cry when we listened to it, because we had dreamed of that moment not knowing if it would every truly happen. It went something like this:
Just the other night the baby was cryin’
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile
And I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
And my mind went back to a few years ago
When we tried so long
We almost gave up hope
And I remember you
Comin' in and tellin’ me the news

Oh man we were livin’
Goin’ crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

That is exactly how we both pictured it I think. But with IVF, you are robbed a little of that moment because you are so focused on finding out and testing. I had a little of that left because Don truly would not believe it yet, so after my doctor’s appointment I got busy. Earlier in the week I had optimistically went by Lowe’s and found a miniature workbench and little tools. Don is a carpenter at heart and loves to work with his tools, so I thought it would be neat to be part of the surprise. I had hid it in our hall closet. After I gave blood they told me they would call around 11:00am, so I lied and told Don they wouldn’t call until around 2:00. I had a plan. I went by a few places to pick up some things for my surprise like a banner and balloons and such, and rushed home to start on putting it together. During this whole time it never crossed my mind that they would call with a negative. I knew Don would be out at work all day so I had time, but when I opened the box, it was literally in a thousand pieces. It helped take my mind off waiting so I hurriedly tried to get it together.

I was sitting in the middle of a pile of nuts, bolts, and screws, with pieces of the workbench everywhere when I got the call. I whispered a quick prayer and walked out on the front porch to answer. It was the sweet nurse from the doctor’s office and she was already crying. “Yes!” she screamed as I felt my knees buckle. Although I had felt that I had known, I was not prepared for the shock. I thanked her through my tears and went inside and sat on the floor and cried. I just remember thanking God over and over through my tears. I didn’t have very much time to revel in our victory because I had to get moving on this workbench. Don called to say he was done with work early so I asked him to stall a little. I think he had a hunch I was planning something.

So in the middle of all the chaos, Jordan, my step son walked in the house. He didn’t know I was going to be there, and we hadn’t told Don’s boys about the IVF, so I think we both looked like a deer in headlights. Here I was in the middle of the floor, sweat pouring and poufy eyed, with balloons and stuff everywhere. He asked what all this was for and the first thing that came to my mind was that Easter was that weekend and I was building the workbench for my nephew. Lame, I know but it seemed to stave off any further questioning. So I moved my workbench and balloons into the bedroom. I knew I only had a few minutes until Don was here and I was hoping Jordan would leave so I could really surprise him.

I had another good cry when I dug a target bag out from under the bed that I had hidden there a year and a half ago. After Don’s reversal surgery and when we first started trying, I secretly bought a baby onesie that said “I love my Daddy” on it with a baby rattle. I always thought if I found out I would not be able to keep it from Don so it would be something I could use to surprise him in a clutch. I didn’t know it would be so long and such a hard road to get to before I could use them.
So I finished the workbench (let’s just say there were some extra screws left over) and I tied the balloons on it. I sat a little stuffed animal with the onesie and a card on top of it with a sign that read “Daddy’s Little Helper. We REALLY ARE PREGNANT!” at the bottom. Jordan left so I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Don to get home.

When Don came home, his first words were asking if the doctor’s office had called yet. I lied and told him no. A few minutes later I said, “Oh, come look at what the dog did…” and led him to our bedroom door. He followed quickly behind me and was completely surprised when he saw the little workbench. Tears filled both our eyes because he knew the doctor had called. “We are pregnant!” I screamed like I had dreamed of my entire life, and we both laughed until we cried.