Our First Ultrasounds

Throughout all the surprises, we still did not know if there was one baby or two. Since we had put two embryos back in we were praying for twins, and my beta numbers were high so the doctor thought it was a good possibility. When I went in for the first ultrasound we were hoping to see two little sacs. We barely saw one. And because my doctor is very cautious only called this one a “possible sac”. So I began to worry again. What if they did not take, what if I lost them early. I read about how it was common for women to lose pregnancies this early and not even know that they were ever pregnant. Impossible for us not to know since we literally knew the first day we could. Would these babies just vanish? Again with the waiting….. We went in for the second ultrasound and the sac was twice as big, but there was just one and we couldn’t see the baby at all. One empty sac. I knew in my heart to be glad that the sac was there even if it was just one, but I mourned for the one embryo that was lost.

It is so strange to mourn for a baby that was never meant to be according to God’s hand. But it did exist, if only for a few days, and I had already let myself dream of double cribs and a baby on each knee. Don especially was happy it could be twins so that they he would not be any older when our second child is born. We both took it hard. The doctor reassured us that this was “Nature’s” way of taking care of things. That women were not built to carry more than one child and the risk was much less with a single pregnancy. After mourning for the one we lost, we decided to rejoice in the one we still had.

But I did become a little cynical not seeing a baby on the ultrasound screen yet. An empty sac was all I had so far. I had read posts about seeing the baby and hearing a heart beat as early as this. I started to question if it was real. I think every pregnant woman goes through this insanity though. Now that the excruciatingly painful waiting of IVF was over, the excruciating waiting of pregnancy began. You are told so many things. Just wait until 12 weeks, then your chance of miscarriage goes down and you can tell your family. Just wait until 22 weeks, that way it had a chance of survival if the baby is born early. I guess now that I am mother, I join all the other Moms in countdowns that never really end. After the baby is born I am sure it becomes wait until they are in school, wait until they graduate, wait until they are financially secure… and so it begins.
Even though we had told just about everyone, and even though we had seen the sac on the ultrasound, it really wasn’t real to us just yet.