How we got here

Today is the first day I can write about what we are going through. I think it is because I feel a peace and presence about it now. Going through IVF is probably the toughest thing I have ever done, and I can see how most people lose their minds in the process. I have almost lost mine a few times so far. Our journey to this place started before Don and I even began to date. I had always wanted to be a mother, and I felt like if there was ever a purpose for me on this planet, it was to do just that. I never even questioned whether or not it would happen. I guess that is why, even when I started to have feelings for Don knowing he could no longer physically conceive a child without surgery, it didn’t scare me. Before we started to date we had long conversations about what I wanted in my life, and that I could not even begin to think about starting a life with someone who didn’t think they wanted the same thing. Of course, in the beginning, it is easy to make that decision. When you fall in love, everything is rosy, everything is easy, and at that point in my life, I was ready for something to be easy. So, at the time, it was easy for Don to say he envisioned himself as a father again, considering the situation was just right. And I accepted that because if the situation wasn’t right, we wouldn’t be together. Things became a lot more clear and upfront when it came time to decide to get married. I was so completely in love with him, but no children was a deal breaker. At the same time, I wanted him to want them and to not just want them because I did. We had lots and lots of discussions. When reality set it, we both had concerns. Don was worried, and it was compounded by issues with his boys. When his boys were small he worked away from home and because of that he missed a lot of things. He carries that guilt with him to this day. How could he be at such a better place in his life, and give another child such devotion when he feels like he failed his own? I could feel his hurt for this. He also worried about his age. At the time he was 47 and did the math on every major event of a child’s life. He would be 67 when the child was 20. Would the child be embarrassed about this? Feel completely jipted for having an older father? And although I could not answer these things for him, I could remind him of how we made the decision to be together despite our age difference. We loved each other, and we both knew from experience that we are never promised tomorrow. Could we walk away from a love deeper than we had ever experienced on this earth because of our age? Could we say that same thing in the case of a child? We never know what life is going to throw at us and all we can go on is what we know. Don could be a better father now than he ever was at 30. I think a child would be blessed to have a Dad that has learned those lessons. We have a beautiful home and love all around us to share with a family. These things are the things that we know. How long we have on this earth is something no one knows. We have this moment. We have now.