Death By Essential Oils

Growing up, I was totally in love with I Love Lucy, in particular Lucille Ball.  I think I liked her so much because she made being dumb and getting yourself into stupid circumstances look funny.  And since I have a knack for making dumb decisions and getting into certain predicaments, I felt like we had a lot in common.  Except I don’t make them look quite as funny, and they tend to be a lot more painful.  Last night I had a total Vitameatavegamin experience, that, seeing as I lived to tell it, would have made for a great episode of the Lucy Show.

Background

So I think we have established that I am a sucker for a good sales gimmick.  Just tell me something will make me skinny, help me sleep, make my kids happier, I’ll try it, what the heck.  I do, however, HATE feeling duped and stupid so it’s a catch 22.  I think I am just member of that desperate Mom’s club that are looking for the next thing that will make your life easier.  I have, in my own opinion found several really great things that I think make my life a little easier – Stitchfix, Birchbox, Jamberry – all good things in my book.  There have been others that have been questionable, and some I haven’t tried because they just sound too good to be true or a little crazy (I mean have you heard of this Bulletproof coffee thing?).  

So the newest fad that seems to be taking the Moms out there by storm is this essential oil stuff.  Not being one that likes to just go with the crowd, I held out for as long as I could.  Maybe this is just another hippie movement like the dang cloth diapering I got sucked into because they were so cute and ended up not using a single dang one.  I decided to sit back and watch people talk about how it calmed their kids down, healed the sick and made the lame to walk again…I told myself, “Sarah, don’t do it….its just another fad you are going to get sucked into.  The companies that sell them are pyramid schemes whose main job is to get women out there to drink their Koolaid and live and die by the essential oil club...stay away!”  Plus, I am not a fan of people (friends) trying to sell stuff to me.  You feel obligated and then when you don’t like it you have to have the whole discussion that you aren’t into it, etc….

So I started seeing posts and stuff from people that did drink the Koolaid, then I started seeing posts from my friends and other reputable sources.  At the time, my Ellie bug was deciding to rave like a lunatic in the wee hours of the mornings and I was in a desperate place.  I’m sure you know that place, when you lay a sleeping baby in their cribs and literally crawl on hands and knees to get outside their room while you contemplate sawing off limbs so they don’t hit the piece of carpet that makes the floor crack.  A good friend promised the oils would work.  I didn’t believe her, I didn’t even want to make the effort to drive by her house to get a free sample.  I was just so tired.  So I made my husband do it on his way home from work.  Put it on their feet she said.  My husband referred to it as snake oil.  I don’t know and I don’t care how they work, all I know is that was the first night since both of my children’s existence that they slept all night and had to be woken the next morning.  Koolaid or not, give it to me!

The next week, I pulled my back out trying to lift my ginormous baby and her carseat into the car.  I knew what it was, I do it about every 8 months or so.  I can’t walk upright until I go to the chiropractor who pops and karate chops and I hurt for a week and finally regain my ability to walk like a normal person.  This is my routine, I knew it had happened.  While sulking and feeling the right side of my body seizing up like it does, I had a thought about the oils.  There was one for muscle aches called Deep Blue.  So I limped my way to the bathroom thinking, “what could it hurt?”  I took some drops, straight from the bottle (because I am hardcore like that) and rubbed it into the muscle that I knew I had pulled.  It felt like a really strong Icy Hot, it had a nice tingle to it.  I was probably supposed to mix it with something.  The next morning I lay in bed before my alarm went off going over what the list of things I had to do today – going to see the chiropractor was first on the list.  To my surprise I was able to get out of bed and walk upright.  My back was sore like I had just done a tough workout (yeah…right), but nevertheless I could walk.  The next day=no pain.  Placebo effect or not, I don’t care.  Give me more oils!!!!

My husband snores like a freight train.  It was a point of contention early on in our marriage, but rather than head towards divorce number two I have decided to just try and deal with it.  Dealing with it usually entails being awoken by set freight train on any given night and listening to him breathe or not breathe while trying to think of loving thoughts rather than acts of violence.  While roaming Pinterest, I saw an oil recipe to stop the train before I committed those acts of violence.   On this certain evening, I made a lavender oil concoction while my loving husband lay on the couch in the living room sawing logs. I stuck it  in our diffuser in the bedroom.  When he came to bed later that night, he either did not snore or I was so exhausted and ushered off to dreamland by the lavender that I didn’t care if he snored or not.  Either way, I was sold!

My Dance with Death

 I forgot to put my lavender concoction in the diffuser, so there I was awake at 2:00am listening to my husband’s snores trying to figure out if I could ease the pillow over his head, not to suffocate him at all, but just to muffle the deafening sound, or whether it would just be easier to get up and get the lavender.  But it was all the way in the bathroom (five steps away) and I’d have to find my glasses….so I lay there in agony.  My head began to hurt, my sinuses clogged up, and my throat became sore.  It was a sinus infection ready to pounce.  Oh no!  I can’t be sick!  I already missed so much work because of the diseases of my children, I can’t be sick myself.  The oils!  I can mix up some oils and this thing will be gone before it had a chance to begin!

 I fumbled for my phone knocking my glasses off of the bedside table.  Oh well, yes I am legally blind, but if I hold my phone nearly in my eye I can read it okay.  I shuffled into the bathroom stubbing my toe on Ellie’s walker.  I pulled up my beloved Pinterest, typed in “Doterra Sinus Infection” and got a plethora of recipes.  I flipped through trying to find one that only contained the oils that I had.  Finally landing on one, I read – 4 drops of Oregano, 4 drops of Frankincense, and 4 drops of On Guard.  I could do that.  I would just throw all of those together in a little bit of water (it probably wanted me to drink a whole 16 oz) but I knew my chugging skills from college had prepared me for necessary life experiences such as this, and I would just throw it in a couple Tablespoons and down it.  It’s all going to the same place right?  

 

I’m not really a great measurer.  This is strange because I am normally the type of person that must follow instructions to a “t”, but for some reason, especially with the oils, if I over pour a bit, its fine.  I saw more than 4 drops of each go into the glass but eh, the more the better, right?  I swirled the glass around and turned it up.  The smell hit my nose like burning napalm, but it was too late, the liquid was already past my lips.  I vaguely remembered the recipe calling for me to gargle but trying was futile seeing as each second that passed after the first taste was sheer pain and the liquid was already burning my esophagus from the inside out.  The room went white hot as my mouth turned itself inside out trying to run from the pain.  Quickly, I grabbed the glass, rinsed it with some water and took another swig to ease the pain, only to get another big gulp of oil tainted water.  It had remained on the side of the glass that I neglected to rinse thoroughly so there I was, mouth burning again.  My knees hit the floor.  No!  My mind kept searching for things to neutralize the burning.  I could not let this be the end of me.  I could see my husband waking in the morning to find me, a heap in the bathroom floor, smelling like an Italian restaurant with all the Oregano.  I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a new glass of water and tried to drink.  It was like my taste buds had melted.  The water tasted like metal.  I’ve done it, I have burned my insides.  This was how my life ended….by drinking essential oils.  My last attempt as neutralizing the burning was my baking soda toothpaste.  I stood there in a silent scream as the pain started to subside slowly.  The brushing helped, so I did it again.  I tried the water again.  Still no taste buds.  I hoped they would come back.  

While I regained my composure, I looked back at the recipe for a “may cause death or dying of taste buds” warning, and realized I had taken the instructions for an oil blend to apply topically, ignorantly tripled it, and ingested it instead.  Hence the feeling of impending death.  Total Lucy moment.  Although my sinuses were definitely clear and my throat was so done from the oil concoction that it was numb so all in all, I guess you could say the oils worked for that too.

My Dad’s favorite verse, that he enjoys quoting all of the time, is Proverbs 27:12 A shrewd person sees danger and hides himself, but the naive keep right on going and suffer for it.  Yep Dad, you were right….when you are dumb, you gotta be tough.  I’d like to think ole’ Lucy and I are pretty dern tough.  Now let me go order some more oils ;)