The Transfer and feeling prayers

My embryo transfer was scheduled for a Sunday. We got up early, I couldn't sleep very well anyway from being so excited, and hit the road. We got behind the slowest old lady driver on the face of the planet. She actually braked when someone approached us from the other lane. So after a few expletives from my road raging husband, I decided it was the perfect time to take the Valium they prescribed. We both were so nervous and spun up at that moment I think we drove it mostly silence. When we got to the office, they were ready for us and I went straight back. This time, I could put my hospital gown on with great comfort, opening in the back, and I went into the room and got on the table. The nurse came in and said Don had put the scrubs over his street clothes so she had to make him go back and strip and put new scrubs on. He came in and stood beside me. They told me I had to have a full bladder so I had drank a 32 oz of powerade on the way in, and I was already feeling it. They checked out my bladder to make sure I wasn't faking it, and the embryologist came in to show us our "family portrait". She had a picture of all of our little embryos. On the way over, Don and I had the conversation about what we would do if it came down to us deciding if it was one or two that would go back in. We had talked about it so much, but I wanted to make sure we both had the same plan because we had gone back and forth. Don had initially wanted twins. That way he wasn't any older when we had the second one, and we could totally get in on a Buy one get one. But after talking to the doctor about how the risk doubles for both the babies and the Mom with twins, he said the goal of IVF is a single birth and at my age that is what they would recommend if we had a clearly strong embryo. So as my Valium kicked in, we decided that if we had a clear front runner, I mean the best of the best, we would go with one, and if not, we would just know. Maybe it was the Valium, but I just had a feeling that we would know what to do, that God would make it clear to us. Because, secretly, I wanted two. So as she was showing us the picture of all of the fifteen embryos, she showed us the ones that had not made it. I silently said a little prayer of sadness for those little ones. Then we saw the best of the best. It was a grade 4AA which was the highest possible grade you can have. She had even put a little reaffirming check by it. The doc said, this embryo is so great we recommend just one. Don and I looked at each other remembering what we had said and we agreed. So everyone got in position. Doc looked like a catcher waiting for the embryologist to throw the first pitch. Then, a pause....She needed to speak to the doctor in private. Oh no.....something is wrong...we thought. When they came back in, she had a new picture. This one had two embryos on it. One looked a little smaller than the other. She said she had something to explain to us, which was very hard to understand in her thick asian accent. She said that the smaller one was actually our frontrunner, the embryo we decided was going in by itself. But when she took a picture of it for us, it had collapsed a little. She said 70% chance it was a good thing. Apparently when the embryo is getting ready to hatch it balls up to gather its energy and expands out of the shell. She said this was good. OR it could be collapsing because it was dying. She said she went on this hunch with two other women in the past and she was wrong. The other embryo in the picture was a 4BB and was our second best. She now recommended putting back both of them. Just in case..... Don and I looked at each other, like, I know we talked about this, but are we ready for twins?!?!? But at the same time I think we both felt a peace about it, like it was meant to be. She was meant to see that in the picture at that exact second, and if we had twins, it was just God's will that we have them. So, since they were waiting for "our final answer" like we were about to win a million dollars if we said the right thing, I said "Twins it is!". So doc got back in catching position and embryologist went back to the pitcher's mound. I closed my eyes and prayed and felt Don do it too. He leaned over me and kissed me on the forehand and we both shared a tear. This was the moment we had been waiting for. After this, we had done everything we physically and possibly could do and it was left to the Big Man from there. They placed them in their new little home through a catheter, and there they were on the ultrasound screen - shining fluorescent. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Others say it is important to have positive visualizations while you wait, so here is what I pictured. My tiny tiny babies in feety pajamas float into their new room for the next nine months. There is a plush pallette of down comforters and the softest blankets imaginable. They cuddle together and snuggle under the blankets for a long nap. Snug as two bugs in a rug. At the same time, I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. Turns out, my Sunday School class, who happens to be taught by my Dad, gathered at 10:00am (the time of our appointment) and collectively prayed for us and our babies. I can't explain how much this meant to me, even when I did now know it. Prayer truly works and I hope I have the opportunity to be a testimony to that when we get our results. Until then we keep praying, and I keep saying to myself..."Snug as two bugs in a rug"