Low Point

We decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist. They ran test after test on us, and decided the lack of sperm was our only issue. We decided to go with the last natural choice for us which was Intrauterine Insemination. I took hormones and tests to make sure I ovulated and waited for phone calls to come in. When we went in for the procedure we were so excited. I had pushed all my negative thinking to the back burner and was feeling pretty positive. The doctor came in to perform the procedure and it wasn’t our doctor. When I asked what she thought, she told us we were wasting our time that with that small of a sample it was near impossible. I thought we would both cry. We did the procedure, and it failed.

The strain of all of this was taking a toll on us. We talked ad nauseum about our options: Would we adopt? Would we try IVF? Don started to question if it was meant to be for us. Maybe this was God’s way of saying we weren’t supposed to have children. I could see the burden he carried on his face. If we adopted could we both love that child as our own? We definitely could. Could I live without knowing that we didn’t try everything to have one of our own? Maybe. Could we afford either? Probably but not without sacrifices. We looked at finances and options until we couldn’t talk about it anymore. Meanwhile the ticking of both our clocks got louder and louder. We stopped having fun. We stopped making love because we wanted to and started doing it when the test strip said to. I stopped praying and started trying to control what I could not. I was broken without a plan.

We made a plan to save for IVF, and that week, my truck engine blew up. In addition to the $12,000 it would cost us to go through IVF, it was going to take $6500 to fix my vehicle. This on top of everything. I was reaching my limit with what I could stand. Why was this happening to us? Was I being punished? Was God telling me, like he did Moses, that I would not enter the promise land because of my past sins? Would he give me everything I ever wanted EXCEPT this? And by the way, why did I feel like I even deserved it? I sank lower and lower.