Growing up, I was totally in love with I Love Lucy, in
particular Lucille Ball. I think I liked
her so much because she made being dumb and getting yourself into stupid
circumstances look funny. And since I
have a knack for making dumb decisions and getting into certain predicaments, I
felt like we had a lot in common. Except
I don’t make them look quite as funny, and they tend to be a lot more
painful. Last night I had a total
Vitameatavegamin experience, that, seeing as I lived to tell it, would have made
for a great episode of the Lucy Show.
Background
So I think we have established that I am a sucker for a good
sales gimmick. Just tell me something
will make me skinny, help me sleep, make my kids happier, I’ll try it, what the
heck. I do, however, HATE feeling duped
and stupid so it’s a catch 22. I think I
am just member of that desperate Mom’s club that are looking for the next thing
that will make your life easier. I have,
in my own opinion found several really great things that I think make my life a
little easier – Stitchfix, Birchbox, Jamberry – all good things in my
book. There have been others that have
been questionable, and some I haven’t tried because they just sound too good to
be true or a little crazy (I mean have you heard of this Bulletproof coffee
thing?).
So the newest fad that seems to be taking the Moms out there
by storm is this essential oil stuff.
Not being one that likes to just go with the crowd, I held out for as
long as I could. Maybe this is just
another hippie movement like the dang cloth diapering I got sucked into because
they were so cute and ended up not using a single dang one. I decided to sit back and watch people talk
about how it calmed their kids down, healed the sick and made the lame to walk
again…I told myself, “Sarah, don’t do it….its just another fad you are going to
get sucked into. The companies that sell
them are pyramid schemes whose main job is to get women out there to drink
their Koolaid and live and die by the essential oil club...stay away!” Plus, I am not a fan of people (friends)
trying to sell stuff to me. You feel
obligated and then when you don’t like it you have to have the whole discussion
that you aren’t into it, etc….
So I started seeing posts and stuff from people that did
drink the Koolaid, then I started seeing posts from my friends and other
reputable sources. At the time, my Ellie
bug was deciding to rave like a lunatic in the wee hours of the mornings and I
was in a desperate place. I’m sure you
know that place, when you lay a sleeping baby in their cribs and literally crawl
on hands and knees to get outside their room while you contemplate sawing off
limbs so they don’t hit the piece of carpet that makes the floor crack. A good friend promised the oils would
work. I didn’t believe her, I didn’t
even want to make the effort to drive by her house to get a free sample. I was just so tired. So I made my husband do it on his way home
from work. Put it on their feet she
said. My husband referred to it as snake
oil. I don’t know and I don’t care how
they work, all I know is that was the first night since both of my children’s
existence that they slept all night and had to be woken the next morning. Koolaid or not, give it to me!
The next week, I pulled my back out trying to lift my
ginormous baby and her carseat into the car.
I knew what it was, I do it about every 8 months or so. I can’t walk upright until I go to the
chiropractor who pops and karate chops and I hurt for a week and finally regain
my ability to walk like a normal person. This is my routine, I knew it had
happened. While sulking and feeling the
right side of my body seizing up like it does, I had a thought about the
oils. There was one for muscle aches
called Deep Blue. So I limped my way to
the bathroom thinking, “what could it hurt?”
I took some drops, straight from the bottle (because I am hardcore like
that) and rubbed it into the muscle that I knew I had pulled. It felt like a really strong Icy Hot, it had
a nice tingle to it. I was probably
supposed to mix it with something. The
next morning I lay in bed before my alarm went off going over what the list of
things I had to do today – going to see the chiropractor was first on the
list. To my surprise I was able to get
out of bed and walk upright. My back was
sore like I had just done a tough workout (yeah…right), but nevertheless I
could walk. The next day=no pain. Placebo effect or not, I don’t care. Give me more oils!!!!
My husband snores like a freight train. It was a point of contention early on in our
marriage, but rather than head towards divorce number two I have decided to
just try and deal with it. Dealing with
it usually entails being awoken by set freight train on any given night and
listening to him breathe or not breathe while trying to think of loving
thoughts rather than acts of violence.
While roaming Pinterest, I saw an oil recipe to stop the train before I
committed those acts of violence. On
this certain evening, I made a lavender oil concoction while my loving husband
lay on the couch in the living room sawing logs. I stuck it in our diffuser in the bedroom. When he came to bed later that night, he
either did not snore or I was so exhausted and ushered off to dreamland by the
lavender that I didn’t care if he snored or not. Either way, I was sold!
My Dance with Death
I forgot to put my lavender concoction in the diffuser, so there
I was awake at 2:00am listening to my husband’s snores trying to figure out if
I could ease the pillow over his head, not to suffocate him at all, but just to
muffle the deafening sound, or whether it would just be easier to get up and
get the lavender. But it was all the way
in the bathroom (five steps away) and I’d have to find my glasses….so I lay
there in agony. My head began to hurt,
my sinuses clogged up, and my throat became sore. It was a sinus infection ready to
pounce. Oh no! I can’t be sick! I already missed so much work because of the
diseases of my children, I can’t be sick myself. The oils!
I can mix up some oils and this thing will be gone before it had a
chance to begin!
I fumbled for my phone knocking my glasses off of the
bedside table. Oh well, yes I am legally
blind, but if I hold my phone nearly in my eye I can read it okay. I shuffled into the bathroom stubbing my toe
on Ellie’s walker. I pulled up my
beloved Pinterest, typed in “Doterra Sinus Infection” and got a plethora of
recipes. I flipped through trying to
find one that only contained the oils that I had. Finally landing on one, I read – 4 drops of
Oregano, 4 drops of Frankincense, and 4 drops of On Guard. I could do that. I would just throw all of those together in a
little bit of water (it probably wanted me to drink a whole 16 oz) but I knew
my chugging skills from college had prepared me for necessary life experiences
such as this, and I would just throw it in a couple Tablespoons and down
it. It’s all going to the same place
right?
I’m not really a great measurer. This is strange because I am normally the
type of person that must follow instructions to a “t”, but for some reason,
especially with the oils, if I over pour a bit, its fine. I saw more than 4 drops of each go into the
glass but eh, the more the better, right?
I swirled the glass around and turned it up. The smell hit my nose like burning napalm,
but it was too late, the liquid was already past my lips. I vaguely remembered the recipe calling for
me to gargle but trying was futile seeing as each second that passed after the
first taste was sheer pain and the liquid was already burning my esophagus from
the inside out. The room went white hot
as my mouth turned itself inside out trying to run from the pain. Quickly, I grabbed the glass, rinsed it with
some water and took another swig to ease the pain, only to get another big gulp
of oil tainted water. It had remained on
the side of the glass that I neglected to rinse thoroughly so there I was,
mouth burning again. My knees hit the
floor. No! My mind kept searching for things to
neutralize the burning. I could not let
this be the end of me. I could see my
husband waking in the morning to find me, a heap in the bathroom floor,
smelling like an Italian restaurant with all the Oregano. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a new glass of
water and tried to drink. It was like my
taste buds had melted. The water tasted
like metal. I’ve done it, I have burned
my insides. This was how my life ended….by
drinking essential oils. My last attempt
as neutralizing the burning was my baking soda toothpaste. I stood there in a silent scream as the pain
started to subside slowly. The brushing
helped, so I did it again. I tried the
water again. Still no taste buds. I hoped they would come back.
While I regained my composure, I looked back at the recipe
for a “may cause death or dying of taste buds” warning, and realized I had
taken the instructions for an oil blend to apply topically, ignorantly tripled
it, and ingested it instead. Hence the
feeling of impending death. Total Lucy
moment. Although my sinuses were
definitely clear and my throat was so done from the oil concoction that it was numb
so all in all, I guess you could say the oils worked for that too.
My Dad’s favorite verse, that he enjoys quoting all of the
time, is Proverbs 27:12 A shrewd person sees
danger and hides himself,
but the naive keep right on going and suffer for it. Yep Dad, you
were right….when you are dumb, you gotta be tough. I’d like to think ole’ Lucy and I are pretty
dern tough. Now let me go order some
more oils ;)
